Scribblings

Baker's Dozen Memorial Weekend

Baker's Dozen:

1. I spent entirely too much time in the doldrums this weekend
2. In my opinion, Tomas is better off living with his father than his mother
3. "Let go and let God".
4. In the words of the Supremes last great hit, Tomas: "Someday, we'll be together"
5. What a beautiful weekend, salvaged from the wreckage of a cold, rainy week!
6. Grilled food tastes soooooo good and so does corn on the cob! I could eat corn on the cob until it's growing out my ears (hee)
7. My father-in-law's cancer is gone and he will be going home from the hospital and I'm so grateful for God's blessings
8. I'm so glad that Billy's great aunt, great uncle & great grand uncle will be able to come to the party next month
9. It's time to get our pool ready -- if we can afford a new pump! :P
10. WMGK has been playing the top 500 songs (of all time?) this weekend and I have so been enjoying the music
11. Next weekend, Michele, David & the kids will be here. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
12. Don't forget to reflect on the sacrifices made by the people who service our country -- especially the sacrifices of their lives

Unconscious Mutterings:

1. Crowd:: at the shore
2. Hamburger:: grilled
3. Choker:: necklace
4. Lights:: Broadway
5. Tinsel:: New York
6. Testament:: New
7. Best part of the day:: when TB gets home
8. Election:: vote
9. Clarinet:: musical instrument
10. Cake or death:: Marie Antoinette

This is how I feel...

My bottom line: Little T is better off spending the majority of his time with his father.

Yes, I am heart broken over not seeing Tomas. Yes, my heart breaks for him too. The poor baby has been pulled from one home to another in his young life.

First he lived with both parents and then was suddenly removed from there.

For a year he lived with us and we love him dearly. Then he was yanked away suddenly.

Then he was like a ping pong ball.

The original arrangement was for him to be with his mother during the week and his father on weekends. I understand that arrangement is totally flip-flopped now. He needs stability. I think he'll get more attention from his father than he gets from Linda.

I miss him terribly, we all do. Sometimes the pain is almost too much to bear.

Not much else to say

The Man's Side

Feline Friday: Fun fun fun

Amber: Mouse, come check this out, this is so much fun!

Mouse: zzzzzzzzz

Amber: Ooooh, I caught it, I caught it ... but now I have to try and hold onto it!

Mouse: zzzzzzzzzzz!

Amber: Oh no, it got away from me!

Mouse: zzzz---snork, huh?

Amber: Ahhhh...fuhged aboud it, it's too much work! I'm tired!

Mouse: Yeesh, that's what I thought in the first place! zzzzzzzzz....

Four For Friday:

Q1: Do you search for and use grocery store coupons? Why or why not?

Yes, I do look for them and use them whenever I can. Every penny I can save is another penny toward something else we'd like to have!

Q2: With respect to your friends--close or otherwise--do they tend to be the same age as you, younger than you, or older than you? Excluding relatives, blood or otherwise, what's the biggest difference in age between youself and your oldest or youngest friend?

My friends all tend to be about the same age as me. Most are a little younger, up to 10 years younger. Once you hit 50 what's 10 years one way or the other? ;) My oldest friend is 75 this year. My youngest friend is probably early 20s.

Q3: Within the last couple of weeks, General Motors, Morgan Stanley, and British Petroleum have all instituted policies which demand that newspapers, magazines, and web sites from which they have purchased advertising space, inform them in advance of any text or visual images they plan to publish that directly mention their company's name, a competitor's name, or in BP's case, the oil-and-energy industry. In short, these companies want the opportunity to pull their advertisements from media outlets on days when less than positive editorial coverage may be coming their way. How do you feel about this? Since most media outlets rely on paid advertising as their primary source of revenue, should advertisers, in essence, be allowed to be dictate which editorial content publishers can or cannot print? Or, since publishers charge an arm and a leg for the advertising space to begin with, not to mention that it's the advertiser's money that's being spent, is this sort of practice basically okay?

Well...that's a very troubling issue. I would hate to think a big company would have that kind of power to dictate what the media prints or shows on TV. Yet I know that it happens and the possibility of censorship to avoid offending supporters is a real possibility. It's the same thing with politicians, isn't it? Some company throws financial support their way during a campaign ... would that candidate say anything to upset the contributors? I don't think so... The only way around it would be to charge an arm and a leg for the newspaper or magazine and not have any advertising -- like that would ever happen!

Q4: Would you ever answer your cell phone if it rang while you were in a public restroom? What if you were in the privacy of your own bathroom at home... would you answer it then?

No and no. Whoever is calling can leave a message and I can call back when I am less indisposed. :P

Sponges

Recently, I finished reading a truly excellent book about survival, The Glass House by Jeannette Walls. She recounts some hair-raising experiences growing up with her sisters and brother. Her parents were totally dysfunctional even if they did love their kids...and it was hard to tell at times. I was amazed that the three older kids did so well, managing to support themselves and make good lives for themselves. The youngest sibling, though, always seemed to depend on others to be able to make it. To me, she was a sponge. She needed other people to take care of her.

This is what the three older siblings did: they worked and saved and scraped the money together to get the oldest to New York City. Then they worked and saved and scraped some more to help each other out. Eventually, they even got the money together to bring the youngest sib to the city. She was 12 years old then and I guess it was already too late for her. She'd spent her whole life already mooching off other people to get food and clothing.

I have a lot of admiration for what Jeannette Walls and her brother and sister were able to accomplish. Although my circumstances weren't nearly so dire, I got off on my own and learned early how to support myself and not sponge off anyone else.

That brought to mind someone no longer near or dear. We hear about her now and then from others because she's never called us herself. Although she said she'd never keep the baby from us that is exactly what she is doing ... well, that's because she can't get anything more from us, I suppose.

It seems that her way of coping is to find people who will help her and she's lived in quite a number of homes. Eventually, she's been asked to leave. She'd leave her boyfriend flat if she had somewhere to go and that happened a couple of times. Not once has she moved into her own place and become self-sufficient.

One of the things I heard was that she might be getting an apartment through a charity. That would have been a very good thing for her because then she would have had to take care of things herself ... even if it meant carrying 2 jobs. But I guess that didn't work out, maybe because of her credit. She can't get a bank account and if you don't have that and you have a history of not paying your bills I don't see how you can get your own place. She'd already antagonized the friend she meant to go in with as roommates. I don't know that if it's possible for her to get an apartment in a complex ... don't they all do credit checks?

When she left here, she stayed with her boyfriend a short period of time and then moved in with that friend who became fed up after a month and told her to go. The friend was tired of her bed being slept in, the food being eaten, having to babysit even after working a full time job, and on and on and on. For a few days, we had no idea what might have happened to her -- was she still with her friend, with her boyfriend, or out on the street somewhere?

Now she is living with another relative. The baby will be safe, I think, because I am sure those relatives will look out for him. I kind of wonder how long this will last before they begin to feel themselves being drained? Maybe a year? Less? Will she keep her job? Will she contribute anything to support herself and her child?

Not if she doesn't have to.

That's the thing with people who are always being saved by someone else. They don't ever have to take full responsibility for themselves because there's always someone catching them when they fall.

Well...at least I know that the baby is safe for now.

As a PS: that youngest sibling in the book eventually burned all her bridges with her family too and moved out to California where, I guess, she either learned to support herself or found someone else to live off of. At the very end of the book, Jeannette Walls wrote that she was going to see this sister for the first time in years. I hope that youngest sibling got her act together and turned herself around...that would make for a very happy ending!

Triple A

My father-in-law came through his surgery well and is in intensive care right now. He'll probably be in the hospital for a week. My mother-in-law says when she finally got to go see him in his room, he was trying to watch the Mets on TV. Yeah, he's great!

First A is for allergies. I am more worried about Heidi. Her allergies have been bad all spring and so she's been feeling sick much of the time. She was missing so much school in her freshman year the attendance officer said we should get a 504 plan. For allergies? But there you go ... the school allows 15 days unexcused (?) absences per year. All of Heidi's absences are excused and they already are over 20 with some inexcused in there. I feel terrible that she suffers so much but the problem is that once she gets to be an adult in college or once she gets a job allergies just aren't a reason to stay home.

The second A is for attitude. Heidi maintains that she stays home only when she's really sick...and it's true she's pretty miserable. The other truth is that she's got to learn to manage that misery so she can function at school and at work...and not develop a Pollyanna attitude but one that is easier on the blood pressure not only for her but for those around her.

And that brings us to anger. I was driving Heidi back to school from our appt with Dr. R and all of a sudden I was startled by this hard THUMP! on my window. She'd hit the window with her fist! I said, what did you do that for? She said there was a bug on the window. Well, normally if Heidi sees a bug she screams and throws her hands over her face and cries out for someone to kill it, kill it. Naturally, I was very surprised that she killed the bug so thoroughly herself. She pointed out that she was in a very bad mood.

The intensity of her anger worries me. It worries me that she gets so mad so fast. Sometimes her rages remind me of my own when I was younger but they were very scary too -- to other people as well as to myself! It's very bad to carry around all that anger and hostility inside -- I know, I felt it. Why is she so angry? I'm not sure. But she's got to start channeling it out in a positive way so that she doesn't hurt herself.

Allergies, attitude and anger -- all wrapped up together.

When I was in school, I developed school phobia. I got sick almost every day, if not every day. I don't think it was allergies but the stomach aches and upsets I felt were intense and most real. I begged to stay home and my parents soon found themselves in the spot I am in now: realizing your child is missing way too much school. They used to have to put me in the car and drive me to school--both of them -- and I'd be crying and shaking and doubled over in pain. I was miserable at school. I was socially immature and so other kids were making fun of me and ostracizing me. I hated junior high with a passion. I carried a great deal of rage around with me and would hold onto it until it burned out of control and I'd explode. It scared me that I could get that angry. I struck out at another student once, knocking him to the floor and just about beating the crap out of him. It almost got me suspended. I never did that again but I could feel the anger bubbling up like that sometimes like a volcano. Where did it come from? Why was there so much of it?

I didn't get help until I was an adult. My parents were mortified at the idea of me seeing a shrink and they would never take me. I guess all the therapy eventually helped -- either that or I just mellowed out with age. I seem to have a lot more success managing my anger in the last 10 years ... or so I think.

Dr. R is having Heidi try out a new medication starting today. Please let it help her!

Ten on Tuesday

10 Best Performances in a Movie by a Child

I'm going to be showing my age with some of these! :)

1. Haley Joel Osment, The Sixth Sense
2. Tatum O'Neal, Paper Moon
3. Jodie Foster, Taxi Driver
4. River Phoenix, Stand by Me
5. Patty McCormack, The Bad Seed
6. Peggy Ann Garner, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
7. Leonardo DiCaprio, What's Eating Gilbert Grape
8. Dakota Fanning, Taken
9. Tyler Hoechlin, The Road to Perdition
10. Ricky Schroder, The Champ

Control

I get Mountain Wings in my email every day. Sometimes there's an inspirational story and sometimes there's just a quote. Whichever, there are some days when it just totally makes a strong impact on me. This is what I got the other day:

He who angers you...controls you.

That stopped me cold for quite a while as I thought about it. I thought about how many days were ruined because I was angry with someone ... her day wasn't necessarily ruined, but mine sure was! To what avail? Nothing changed. Nothing got resolved. All that happened was I felt anger burning the lining of my stomach, deep resentment, depression -- and totally non-enjoyment of whatever was going on around me.

The quote is true. When you are angry with someone, the one you're mad at has the control. While you're angry you can't think much of anything else. It sort of makes you sick. As long as you hold onto that anger, you are the sick one -- not the one who made you mad. That person just blithely goes on her merry way without a thought or a care about it.

What a waste.

But look, I'm not perfect. I know that there are going to be some days when someone just totally pisses me off and I'm going to be upset. The important thing for me to remember is to not hold onto that anger. Let it dissipate. When it tries to reappear, deal with it immediately and get rid of it again. Don't stew about it. Let it go, let it go, let it go ... and don't lose sleep over it!

I don't know if how I deal with my anger is the healthiest. Sometimes I'm aware of just letting it go and telling myself it's not worth it. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm letting it go or burying it but I still tell myself, it's not worth it. Whichever way I do it, the anger is no longer the focus of my attention. I can enjoy the pretty day and the book I'm reading. I can have a nice conversation with my kids and with TB.

I have control again.

Feline Friday Fluff

As I sit down at my desk to type my journal entry, Amber sez:

Oh, hello, did you have something you needed to do?

Well, yes, I want to do my entry.

Well, I need a little attention before I'm going to move.

What'll it be? Scritch-scratch or comb?

Ooooh, comb me, comb me!

Must...get rid of that winter coat so I don't swallow it!

You're my hero, Mommy!

Four on Friday:

Awesome Kids!

Billy is being inducted into the National Honor Society this evening. Way to go, Billy!!!!

As part of the Rogate program, Kristin got to attend a lecture about the Lindbergh kidnapping -- and brought back some verrrrry interesting information I didn't know! She also did very well on her social studies final *and* dissected a frog which had tumors (ick).

And Heidi continues to "shock and awe" me with her artistic abilities. Her newest:

This drawing is owned and copyrighted by my daughter.

Hey, maybe she should start freelancing?

I finished reading Public Enemies by John Walsh. I like his TV series America's Most Wanted very much and I think he is doing the country a lot of good by drawing attention to fugitives from justice. They've captured a lot of people! What a tragic way for him to become so involved, though. For anyone who doesn't know, Walsh's then 6 year old son went missing around 25 years ago and then was found murdered. It was a horrible crime and it's never been solved. Walsh took the rage he felt and turned it to a positive force -- the series and the books he's written. Walsh comes off sounding like a tough guy and it was a bit strong at times but this is the way he is. I can't argue with his results.

Thursday Threesome

Onesome: Full-- Full? What meal fills you up the most during your day, breakfast, lunch or dinner? ...or is it the ice cream you're digging into as you wander around the blog world long past when you should be asleep ?

It could be any of the three meals, depending on what's in it. If I have eggs for breakfast, I tend to stay full until past noon. If I have something like meatloaf, I'll stay full longer into the evening.

Twosome: Moon-- Do you really think there's any truth to the popular idea that "things" happen when the moon is full? Come on, it's just us here...

I wouldn't doubt it. If the moon can affect a woman's cycle and the cycle influences moods then why wouldn't the moon also influence other cycles and other moods? Teachers swear by this -- that the kids are more rambunctious when the moon is full.

Threesome: Rising-- ...and shining?: What is your normal wakeup time on Thursday mornings? ...and can you be described as a "Morning Person" or not?

Normally I'm up between 6 and 7 in the morning on Thursdays during the school year. In the summer, I sleep until I wake up. I would say I'm more a morning person than a night owl because I have more energy before noon than after.

Dentist

Is there anyone who actually enjoys going to the dentist? I've had so much work done I should be used to it but have been traumatized by rough dentists. I have to practically hold a gun to my head to make myself go. TB's been to this dentist, Dr. Oshidar, and he's very good. He was very witty and gentle. Still, when he was examining my teeth my whole body stiffened up and I felt like I'd break in half. Thankfully, there are no cavities (well, after all, there's little to no real teeth left, they are all shell and filling and bridgework and crowns). I need a crown but they're expensive. I don't want to lose the tooth though so I guess I better save.

The doctor did say one thing that alarmed me. He was really impressed with how long I've had my bridge. It's well over 10 years. "They're not permanent?" I asked, dismayed.

I should have known. It's like having a car, the doctor explained. Eventually it's going to wear out but the better you take care of it the longer it'll last.

Yipes!

As much as I admired Tom on Survivor, he was not my "Pulau Twin". Much to my surprise:

Your Survivor Palau Twin is Ian

Goofy, but an all around nice person. The Napolean Dynamite of Survivor!

Wednesday Whatevers

1. Do you prefer to be in a comfort zone or challenged, and why?
Oh, I want to be in a comfort zone. I've done my years being challenged and now the old gray mare wants to graze. Heh heh

2. How often do you back up your data?
Not often enough!

3. How do we know the past is real?
Faith in documents of the times. Nowadays, we've got film, videos, and other technology...although I guess there's always someone who will claim it's all made up. :P

Pollen Count

As much as I wanted to, I couldn't open the windows. It was a lovely day except for one thing: the pollen. It wasn't hot at all. There was a lot of cloud cover and a nice cool breeze. With the windows shut and even with the air conditioners on, it was warmer inside than out. But if I open the windows, we're all miserable--hacking, sneezing and wheezing. TB tried to have his window open at work, sneezed non-stop for 20 minutes and finally had to shut it and turn the air on.

It doesn't seem fair. It's so lovely outside.

I didn't have problems with allergies before moving back to Long Island. Now my eyes water and itch some days even with the windows close. I hack and sneeze when I go out the door and dread the yellow green powder all over my car. It's almost as bad as that nasty stuff you get on the car after a snow storm. I know if I wash it off, it'll be back tomorrow!

I found this website and decided to see how high the pollen count is and just what exactly is making us all miserable. It's high in NJ and LI the rest of this week. Down south, though, it's more in the moderate level. There is less pollen in Tennessee than in NJ and same thing is true of Georgia and Maryland. Hmm...does that mean the trees are done pollinating down there? The level is pretty low in Minnesota and California. It's just medium in Texas.

I looked for a common denominator tree and found it right off: oak. Oak trees are everywhere aren't they? There's just more of them in some places than in others.

In the better-late-than-never-department: Billy's birthday

Happy birthday, kiddo!

Ten on Tuesday

10 Brand Names You Can't Live Without

1. Hellmann's mayonnaise
2. Aquaphor
3. Nature's Farm vitamins
4. Cardizem
5. Hanes
6. Columbia House
7. Quality Paperback Book Club
8. Literary Guild
9. Verizon
10. Comcast

Baker's Dozen Weekend

Baker's Dozen

1. What a beautiful weekend! Too bad we couldn't open any of our windows because the pollen count was so high our eyes burned and itched even on the indoors!
2. Library book sales are a great place to pick up bargains -- a reader's paradise!
3. Only a couple more weekends before we see Michele, David & the kids
4. I lost another pound!
5. I am so happy that Tom Westman won Survivor: Pulau
6. Soon I am getting my hair cut very short!
7. We might be getting our family room fixed sooner -- if it can be done quickly -- or later
8. TB and I watched Hotel Rwanda and what an emotional movie! We were on the edge of our seats!
9. How could we have sat back and not done more to help the people being murdered? Joaquin Phoenix played a photographer who said that news of the massacre would horrify us (Americans) during our dinners and then we'd just go back to what we were doing. It's true!
10. I realized I didn't pay much attention to the news about Rwanda when it was happening
11. I am so happy for Coby Archa! He had a great experience on Survivor and now he's adopted a baby girl!
12. Where am I going to put all these books?

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Grandma:: I loved her
2. Pet:: cat
3. Desolate:: lonely
4. Backspace:: mistake
5. Common ground:: agree
6. Storm:: thunder & lightning
7. Dark:: scary
8. Water bottle:: refreshing
9. Training:: practice
10. Dot coms:: busted

Feline Friday ... Mouse's Turn

"Oh, Mouse!"

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

"Mousie, wake up!"

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

"Mouse, stop snoring and wake up!"

Zzzzzzzzzzznork! What's that? Who's snoring? Not I! Why are you disturbing my nice nap?

"I have a surprise for you!"

Really? Is it worth me opening my eyes? It better be...

"It's your turn to get scritch-scratched."

Oh veddy veddy nice, I love it!

"Okay, you can go back to sleep now!"

Mmmphmmm...if that's all I get next time just let me snooze! And I was *not* snoring!

Ghost Riders

What a frustrating book! On the one hand, I liked the voices of the characters very much. I could just about hear them speaking in my mind. I truly enjoyed some of the characters very much but they didn't appear as often as I liked.

On the downside: what was this story supposed to be about? I was drawn to it because of the title and the summary I saw in the book club newsletter: it's the Civil War and a young woman dresses up like a man and follows her husband off to war. There were not-so-subtle hints about a ghost story, too. Well...look at the title, Ghost Riders. But ... I feel like I was misled! Yes, young Malinda Blalock dressed up like a soldier and followed her husband to war ... that was about one chapter. There were small chapters interspersed that told of the spirits of Civil War soldiers stirred up by the re-enactments going on around them. There wasn't enough of that.

There was an awful lot about Zebulon Vance, an ambitious mountain boy who becomes a lawyer, then a politician, then a soldier, then the governor of North Carolina...so? I kept waiting for him to have more encounters with the Blalocks but he never did. Their paths crossed just once, back when Malinda disguised herself as "Sam".

What was the point of the book anyway? Feuds don't die? Be careful not to stir up the restless ghosts by dressing up in Civil War uniforms and shooting off weapons of the time? I couldn't figure it out.

It's not a bad book because I think Sharyn McCrumb has a way with words and characterizations. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone though.

Question of the Day

What is the most annoying habit they could possibly have?

I think what would tick me off the most is if they are a round-the-clock talker. I think even alone on an island I'd want some time to be able to just sit and think.

Thursday Threesome:

Onesome: Are--Are you planning on heading out this Memorial Day? ...or is it a 'stay at home and chill' kind of holiday for you?

We haven't got any plans at the moment. I'm thinking we should 'stay at home and chill' because we also want to watch what we spend right now.

Twosome: we-- ....and who is "we" when you go traveling? Any preferences that you can state here in blogland ?

'We' would be my #1 choice, TB, and maybe the kids too

Threesome: there yet?-- ...and when you get there, what are you going to do? ...or if you're staying in, what's on the menu? Are you cooking out or just opening a can of tuna?

The next place I can think of I might be going to is Troy, NY with my son in July. We'll be staying at the university and I guess we'll have what's on the menu.

Billy is 18

We won the baby pool at work in 1987, much to my chagrin. When I originally calculated my due date, I thought I would have the baby around May 11 or 12. The doctor, the expert of course, said no, my due date was closer to May 1. The midwife thought I might have the baby in the middle of April. I was eager. Billy was my first baby but in that last trimester you just get so uncomfortable all you want to do is deliver the baby. He didn't seem to want to be born yet, though. There was this baby pool at work and people started taking dates as early as April 15th. Rich alone predicted the baby would be born on May 10, Mother's Day.

"You must be joking," I groaned. It was the middle of April and already I wanted to have the baby. The days went by very slowly. I was walking every day to encourage the baby to drop. I knew that first babies usually take a long time to be born and I just wanted to help him along. I didn't really want to be laboring on mother's day! I wanted to already be an honored mom by then!

Billy had some other ideas.

I went out for a walk on Friday, May 8 as was my habit. As I strolled down the sidewalk, I suddenly toppled over and nearly gave our mailman a heart attack! He came rushing over and helped me up. He insisted on walking me back into the apartment. Both my knees were scraped and bleeding freely. Once he saw that Rich was still there (he worked the evening shift) he went off to continue delivering the mail. I cleaned myself up and went back out for my walk. I saw the mailman again on the next block and he was totally upset. "What are you doing out walking around?" I assured him I'd be fine and that the baby liked for me to go on walks.

Apparently.

The following day, my water broke just after Rich left for work. I walked all around the apartment waiting for the contractions to start and for Rich to get back home so he could take me to the hospital. It was almost 5 in the afternoon and at that point, I realized that this baby was going to be born on Mother's Day all right!

Once we got to the hospital, I walked around the halls for a couple of hours. The contractions didn't really get stronger and so our midwife, Ellen, finally said I'd need to be induced with pitocin. Then the fun started!

Looking back, I would not change anything. I was so glad to have Ellen instead of the doctor because she was quick to suggest new positions to try rather than just lying there waiting for things to happen. Rich was a terrific coach, the best I could have had, and we were both so excited and eager to meet our baby. At that point, we weren't sure if we were having a boy or a girl. I'd dreamed I was having a son but that was all we knew.

As it happened, Ellen wasn't licensed yet to do the actual delivery and so we'd need the doctor to catch the baby. Another woman in the same practice happened to be giving birth at the same time as me. I don't know why but she was in a labor room all the way down the hall from us. Just before Billy was born, I remember my doctor running up and down the hall to see who was going to deliver first. I think I even took a few seconds from pushing to laugh at the poor guy, panting and sweating like a madman.

Billy was born after 4 in the morning. Being the first, his skull was pretty pointy! We were so thrilled and so excited! I remember holding Billy for the first time and just being in such awe.

And now that infant is 18. I am just in awe of the wonderful young man he's grown into.

With every meal in the hospital, I got a lovely red rose. I have loved all of my mother's day flowers and my mother's day gifts. But of all the gifts I've gotten, he is the greatest mother's day blessing ever.

Ten on Tuesday:

10 Plans for this Summer

1. Go for more walks
2. Go to the beach
3. Write more on my stories
4. Read more books
5. Apply for jobs until I find one
6. Eat more fruits & vegetables
7. Relax more
8. Catch up on bills
9. Lose more weight!
10. Celebrate Billy's birthday & graduation with a big party

Question of the Day (Pink)

You’re baking a new friend for yourself! What ingredients do you include?

Understanding, compassion, open mindedness, love, honesty and loyalty

A Baker's Dozen Mother's Day

Baker's Dozen

1. Mother's Day has always given me mixed feelings
2. For a long time, I was angry with my mother and felt rejected and neglected by her. Why would I want to celebrate that day?
3. Lately, I've come to realize that my mother had her own big set of problems and issues and that she did not set out with the idea of ruining my life.
4. What goes around comes around.
5. I enjoyed calling my mother via the relay and wishing her a happy mother's day. I am happy that she and my dad will come up for Billy's birthday/graduation party
6. I enjoyed talking to Michele too. I'm looking forward to their visit.
7. I managed to get all the mothers day cards I needed to send off on time, along with notes from the kids in some of them. I don't think any were late this year!
8. I loved the beautiful rose Kristin got for me, the lovely card Heidi made and the beautiful musical plaque from the kids
9. If I'd known it would become such a beautiful day, I'd've wanted to go to the beach!
10. I'm happy TB got to have a nice talk with his mom on the phone
11. I enjoyed playing board games with the kids
12. The steak TB grilled was the best I've tasted in years!

This is the card Heidi drew

This is what it's all about

Mother's Day

What a pretty day it turned out to be!

I was so happy to hear from Michele this morning, who called to wish me a happy mothers' day. I also very much enjoyed talking with Taylor for a few minutes. I've been missing her and am looking forward to their visit next month...well, just in a couple of weeks, really!

Kristin bought me a beautiful rose the other day and it's still happily in bloom. The kids bought a gift that they haven't given to me yet and Kristin also made her famous delicious apple cake.

More good news: I called my mom via the relay and she & my dad will be coming up for Billy's graduation party on June 25. Yay!

Unconscious Mutterings:

1. Android:: Data
2. Revenge:: vengeance
3. Knight:: round table
4. Stranded:: lost
5. Weakness:: frailty
6. Greed:: avarice
7. Walter:: Raleigh
8. Dense:: stupid
9. Sheep:: baa
10. Propane:: fuel

Let It Go

All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of the handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair. Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet In Heaven

Wow. That's one of the most powerful things I've ever read and it took my breath away because I know it's true. Parents don't set out to hurt their kids, of course they don't -- not unless they're deranged or something. Parents hurt their kids even though their intentions are good and also because they're not perfect. Kids don't understand that.

Parents are like God -- they know everything, they're everywhere, and they're supposed to keep their kids safe and loved. That's what little kids think. The thing is, parents are not God because they make mistakes ... lots of them.

When I was about eight, I remember being in the house and suddenly realizing that hey, eventually I was going to die! My parents were going to die! I would grow up, go away to college and not live with my parents anymore. I was scared to death. I guess I had a bit of a panic attack and ran from the house, looking for my mom.

She was outside watering the garden and I ran to her, grabbing her like I was some kind of burr. She's deaf and I never learned to sign as a child so it took a few minutes for me to get through to her what was wrong. "I don't want to go to college and leave you!" I told her frantically. She gave me this exasperated look, shook me off impatiently and said, "Stop being so stupid." I was totally crushed, thinking she didn't care if we were parted forever.

A few years later, she confided to me that she'd never wanted to have children but my father wanted them so ... and I thought, my God, why would you tell me that? I was about 17 then I guess.

When I was a young adult, I was very angry with my parents. I felt they'd deprived me of a happy childhood by exposing me to their marital problems and the ugliness of drinking and wife beating and jealousy and gambling and selfishness. Many times I just wanted to put them out of my life, especially after Rich had heart surgery and my parents gave us such a hard time about watching Billy. Rich was recuperating in the hospital and I was going to visit him ... and my mom accused, "your father says you are taking advantage of us." I about died. How many times had I given up what I wanted to do to help them? So, fine, we'd get along without them...and so we wouldn't go see them nor allow them to come see us until after Kristin was born.

Then there was another babysitting scene and that did it. Rich wanted nothing more to do with my parents. I think I took the kids to see them a couple of times but not very often. We moved to NY in 1999 without seeing them first.

At that time, I felt sort of self-righteous. What did they expect after all was said and done? Oma tried to mediate, especially with Rich, and she'd say, "after all, they ARE Cassie's parents."

So? Does being biologically related mean you have to let yourself be abused?

No ... but it doesn't mean we had to hold onto all that bitterness either. I think it did us a lot of harm.

Now I look back at the way my parents behaved and I'm not excusing it by any means. I'm just thinking. My grandfather abused my grandmother and my mom saw it on a regular basis. My mom saw my grandmother was powerless. Then my mom and her sister were sent to a school for the deaf in NYC ... a bunch of little kids who couldn't understand what their teachers were mouthing to them hour after hour. What did she learn there? What did she miss not being at home around her family? My mom told me that I was sent home from the hospital on Christmas Eve. My mom felt totally lost. She had no idea how to take care of a baby and because of the holidays, everyone was too busy to help her. Boy, I'll bet she had some panic attacks!

So ... she didn't learn how to manage her anxiety or her anger. She didn't really know how to parent and what appropriate boundaries might be. She'd become impatient and frustrated and lash out. Or she'd talk to me when I was a teenager about how unhappy she was in her marriage. She said she had no one else to talk to.

Now I see it as if for the first time: she didn't mean to do it. None of us are Jesus or God. We're all going to have times of ignorance and impatience and depression and anger and a whole lot of other things. We're all going to hurt our kids somehow -- and many times never realize we're doing it.

I think about what I may have said or done to my kids when I was tired or impatient. I never told them I didn't want them ...

I think how ironic it is that now Linda is mad at us and won't let us see Tomas. I think, what a shame for all that anger to keep grandparent and grandchild away from each other ... and that's why I used to take the kids to see my parents on days I felt I could stand it. I feel bad about it now but I think, well, at least I didn't totally deprive them of each other. :P

And the answer to the hurt and anger is ... let it go.

Feline Friday

"Oh, Amber!"

Yessss? I was sleeping!

"I have something for you!"

What is it? I don't really want to move from my comfy spot! Someone else might come and sit there.

"But you'll like this, Amber."

This had better not be a trick or I'll be very upset!

"I wouldn't trick you, Amber."

Oh, all right!

Oh, some TLC, I like that!

I love to have my shoulders massaged!

Heaven, I'm in heaven!

How about a fishy kitty kiss?

Friday Fun:

1. What is your first happy memory as a child?

I got a bottle from my mom and then went to lay down on the couch to watch TV. Maybe I was 2? Maybe a little younger? But I was in a nice warm house with my mom and my bottle so I was happy.

2. Do you have brothers or sisters?

I have a younger brother

3. What is your favorite family activity?

Probably dinner time because that's when we are all together

4. For those families on a budget (like mine!), what is your favorite no-cost fun thing to do?

Playing board games like Sorry or Life or Trivial Pursuit...we don't ever do that, though, cuz everyone's watching TV or playing video games. So I read or play on the computer.

The Five People You Meet In Heaven

Wow, what a great book! It doesn't take long to read it, either, because it's more like a short story or a little novelette. I read it in a few hours over the course of 2 days and sometimes I just couldn't put it down. It was a little unnerving in the beginning because the author, Mitch Albom, kept putting little subtitles: 60 minutes of life left, 30 minutes, 10, and etc. It was a little jarring to be reminded so in-my-face that the main character, Eddie, was going to die and very soon.

Scary idea, dying -- or else, it used to be. I bought this book from a club last year or maybe the year before. I'm not sure which. I didn't read it right away because I knew it was going to be about the after life and heaven and I guess I just had to be in the right frame of mind for that. In the last year, I've been able to read books about widows and widowers and the aftermath of their loss.

This isn't like that, exactly, although Eddie did lose his beloved wife at a young age.

All our lives, things happen and more times than not it's things we don't understand. Why did Rich have Marfan and then cardiomyopathy? Why did Audrey get primary pulmonary hypertension? Why, after all the other bad things that happened, did they die when they did?

Why did TB's rotator cuff tear again after 2 surgeries so that he'd need a third one? Why is Linda the way she is? Why, why, why?

In the book, Eddie dies and goes to heaven and there he meets five people who explain different things to him and teach him some very valuable lessons. The last person he meets is supposed to tell him what it's all been about, what it's been for. He meets up with his wife again (I'm not saying which of the five she is) and one thing that I really enjoyed about this book is that time is meaningless here so he could have been talking to her for centuries of our time. It's a comforting thought, isn't it? To see loved ones and be able to talk with them about everything?

One person's actions (even a stranger's) has a ripple effect that can affect so many others. That is something we don't sit down and really consider but it's the theme throughout the book. This is what it said to me: everyone's life has value and everyone has a purpose. So many lives overlap every day millions of different ways. It makes you think.

I'm sure everyone's gotten the 'people come into your lifetime for a reason, season or lifetime' email. Reading the book was like reading that email which goes like this:

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go..

Some people become friends and stay awhile...

leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts...

and we are never quite the same

because we have made a good friend!!!

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person or people involved; and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships, and areas of your life.

The book made me think but it wasn't painful. It was a joy to read the book and the thinking was more like an aha!

I would highly recommend reading this book at least once.

Thursday Threesome:

Onesome: This--is the one thing you need to get finished today! What would that be?

I need to go out and buy something for dinner; everything else is in the freezer!

Twosome: and a-- project you'd like to get started on this weekend would be?

TB and I are going to start working on a budget

Threesome: Day--Scenario: tomorrow is suddenly 'your day'--school is out, the kids are covered; you're shift is handled at work; you have no obligations! ...and you have gas and spending money. What are you going to do with your time?

If it's a beautiful day, I'm going to the beach! I'll walk on the boardwalk for a while, window shop, and then go sit on the beach and read. If it's not such a nice day, I'll go to Borders and then to the movies!

Baker's Dozen

Baker's Dozen

1. I almost didn't do this meme because I had NO idea what I could possibly write about this weekend without bursting either into tears or hysterical laughter
2. I felt like singing "Rain, rain go away" again on Saturday
3. I looked to see if the roof was leaking in the family room but thankfully it wasn't
4. I remembered why I hate contractors almost as much as I hate third party carriers
5. It's nice and quiet in the house since the TV and video games have been off most of the time
6. TB and I had a very enjoyable afternoon so the whole weekend wasn't a wash
7. When it hurts too much to worry about someone I try very hard not to think about them -- in this case, Tomas. But then when something goes wrong, it all comes to the front and I feel like I've been slammed with a bat
8. I miss how Tomas would come crawling into our bedroom with this big smile on his face and how he'd want to sit on my lap and look at all the pictures
9. It really to hurts to hear that Tomas continues to be neglected at the hands of his mother -- that she sleeps all the time, isn't teaching him to sleep in his own bed, doesn't feed him enough, a friend watches him more than his mother ... the list goes on and on.
10. I still have dreams about Tomas
11. I still tell myself to just let go and forget
12. I can be a bitch, too. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

More Drama

It sure has been a bizarre day!

First Michele calls Ted to tell him that Linda is out on the street living out of her car after being thrown out by her friend Antoinette. She thinks Kennan has the baby and isn't sure and wants us to call DYFS (child protective services). But first I called Antoinette and found out yes, she finally got sick and tired and told Linda she had 2 weeks to find a place but linda got po'd and just up & left. So then I called and left messages at Kennan's house.

Then Linda called and said Antoinette is just having a tantrum and she's not thrown out ... but she got pretty hysterical when I told her I was calling Antoinette's parents. "Why?" She sounded like she was going to cry. "It's none of your business!" I said yes it is our business, we love Tomas and want to make sure he is safe! And I told her there's something wrong going on, everywhere she goes things fall apart and she gets thrown out or leaves. Not only that, her reasoning and logic is all screwed up. "Yeah, I'm retarded!" she yelled at me.

Boy, I had to bite my tongue.

I don't remember much of what I said after that except that I got angry and she said she didn't want to talk about it anymore (what else is new?).

Then Kennan's mom called and we talked. That was about the most productive thing that has happened because Linda's lies have put a wedge between us and Kennan's parents. I shared some things with Kennan's mother that seemed to surprise her and apparently Linda's been lying to everyone about everything.

After I got off the phone, Linda showed up at the house to pick up a check from social services. She didn't have the baby and so I told Kristin to shut the door, which she did. So Linda takes herself to the police department and a cop called to find out what was going on. "There's no mail for her here," I answered and that was the truth--I'd written RETURN TO SENDER ADDRESSEE NO LONGER LIVES HERE -- on the mail and dumped it back into the mailbox.

Antoinette called around dinner time. Now this is really bizarre. Apparently Linda's been there for the last 4 hours, determined to talk/guilt Antoinette's parents into letting her stay. "What is she doing here if she's supposed to be staying with Kennan?" I am mystified and told Antoinette to call the cops if she wanted to.

TB guessed that maybe Linda's lies caught up with her at Kennan's.

I don't care.

I'm hoping Kennan's parents will come over here so we can sit down and talk and work it out so we can see Tomas again.

At least he is safe and I can put my mind at ease somewhat.

The Big Day

So today is the day day of the big decision amongst households with graduating seniors. Are these kids going to college? If so, where? Their decisions and deposits have to be postmarked today!

Billy decided already and all his paperwork has been mailed already. Although the school he wants to go to is very expensive, it's the best place for him. It offers him the most, will challenge his mind the most and it gets him out of the area. He's been really upset by the lack of ambition he's encountered in people at his school. They are content to just let things happen and if they work some menial job all their lives, so be it. He needs to be around other kids who want to achieve as much as he does. More power to you, Billy!

Unconscious Mutterings:

I think ... and you say ...

1. Texas:: cowboys
2. Scholarship:: college
3. Runner-up:: second place
4. Mustang Sally:: song
5. Jones:: Mother
6. Hard to get:: elusive
7. Jewish:: religion
8. Crew:: sailing
9. Cable:: television
10. Assistant:: helper