Scribblings

Resolution?

Random Question of the Day:

Are you the type of person that makes New Year's Resolutions? If so, please share, if not, why?

I hadn’t made a New Year’s resolution in years because I felt it would be too easily forgotten and broken. For too many years, I resolved to quit smoking and I just never did until I was pregnant. It was like concern for myself didn't do it, it was concern for my unborn kids.

Last December 31, however, I did make three resolutions:

1. Eat healthily. I would give myself a 65% goal met. I was determined to eat healthy, home cooked meals. I did, a lot, but I didn’t cut back on fast food very much. I didn’t pig out on potato chips but I did eat candy and ice cream, some weeks more than just one “free” day.

2. The second goal was to exercise every day for at least 15 minutes. Well, I’d give myself a 35% for that. I figured I could walk Buddy outside and I could walk around the neighborhood. I didn’t do either of those on a consistent basis. We bought a treadmill and I was determined to walk on it … but I didn’t – not until the last 2 or 3 months anyway.

3. The third goal was to lose weight by exercising and following a healthier lifestyle. Well, I’d give myself 35% for that too. During the spring, I’d lost about 28 pounds. Then I stalled, stopped, and began regaining the weight. I was doing pretty well in the fall, maintaining my weight, but when the holidays arrived I began to gain again. I haven’t gained it all back but I did gain back all but 12 pounds of it. So it’s like I’m back to square one again.

It seems stupid to try making resolutions again but I read that I should have a goal in mind, something I could try to get myself to live up to. So I’m thinking about it. I want to resolve to lose 10 percent of my body weight by the end of July. I figured that would give me enough time without putting extraordinary pressure on me. I’m sort of afraid to do it, though, because it seems like 99% of people’s resolutions are forgotten after the first few weeks.

The main thing is, I’m not giving up. I want to be around for TB, for my kids ... and yeah, for me too!

The Year in Review

List your year in review according to month. Well, this isn't exactly month to month but:

Recurring themes throughout the year: struggle with weight loss and writer’s block and blending family issues! Over the year, I see-sawed up and down the weight scale. It's been a frustrating experience, particularly since I am now fighting high blood pressure, borderline diabetes and debilitating aches and pains in my joints. I had several false starts with stories over the last year and it got to the point where I just didn't want to write anything at all. The 'blending' issues haven't all been resolved ... yet.

In January, 2003 there was a fierce debate on my widow support board about whether or not a war in Iraq was justifiable or moral. All I really remember about it is a feeling of deep frustration. I felt that we should have proof (the smoking gun) that Saddam Hussein had ‘weapons of mass destruction’ and I felt we should have backing from the United Nations. Other people felt as I did. The folks who were gung-ho behind President Bush and invasion called us traitors and what-have-you. Sometime in the spring, I just about gave up posting on that board at all. I didn’t see that my posting served any useful purpose to me anymore.

TB was injured on the job. There wasn’t enough office work and so he was sent into the shop the previous fall. This particular day, he was banging some really heavy sheet metal and felt a ripping sensation in his arm. He had to go through a bunch of rigamorole before the insurance company finally sent him for an MRI that confirmed his rotator cuff was torn.

I had these two little pressure sores under my tummy “apron” and so my weight was on my mind a lot too. I had to see a doctor for my social security claim and I was horrified at how much I weighed! Right about then, I began to watch what I ate and during the next six weeks, I lost 10 pounds.

I was journaling away in the beginning of February when I heard a news flash that the space shuttle Columbia had gone missing on its way back to Earth. The shuttle exploded on re-entry and the entire crew was killed.

I sort of looked back at things I’d written in January and it seemed like I was doing a lot of creative thinking and remembering. I was worrying and posting anxieties a lot because I wasn’t writing much more than journal entries about memories and the cute adventures of my pets.

The threat of war continued and terrorist alerts were implemented. It seemed to me that President Bush was bound and determined to make a war on Iraq and Saddam Hussein. I kept wondering what happened to our efforts to find Osama bin Laden, the real bad guy?

We went into Iraq in the spring. We had as much luck finding Hussein then as we did bin Laden. The war was over almost as quickly as it began but the killing of American soldiers had just begun.

During the spring, I tried to get a New Jersey driving license. It should have been an easy process but it ended up being the bureaucracy from hell. I couldn’t believe how hard it was to transfer my title from NY to NJ and how almost impossible it was to get that damn license. The whole experience nearly put me in a mental hospital.

Elizabeth Smart is a kid who was kidnapped right out of her home during the summer of 2002 ( I think…) and then she was “found” during the spring of 2003 right under the noses of her community. She had to wear a veil over her face and traveled around with these two nuts who’d brainwashed her.

TB had surgery for his shoulder in April and he came through really well. Post op was hard but then he got past that all right and was doing great until June … and then he tore his rotator cuff again after trying out a new exercise in physical therapy. His second surgery was in October and he is still recovering. He’s being a lot more cautious with his shoulder this time around.

My dear friend and sister of the heart, Elfie, was coming to visit us in June. She was going to stay 10 days but almost on the day she was to arrive, she called to say she had to have emergency surgery to remove a cancer. It was a great shock to me to think she could be so fine one day and so sick the next. She’s had two additional surgeries and rounds of chemotherapy since. I am praying that she will be well enough to visit us next summer.

Michelle and Linda both announced their pregnancies but sadly, Michelle lost her baby when she was about 4 months along. Linda is due in February 2004. Michelle and David’s new used van was struck from behind and totaled. Luckily, no one was seriously injured. Sometime after Thanksgiving, they bought a home in Tennessee and will be moving there after January.

One of my little stories was “published” online by a e-zine. I was inspired and sent out other stories to other magazines as well as inquiries to publishers and agents. I was turned down by every one but I don’t think that contributed to my block. I'm not sure what my problem is but the more I try to figure it out the more blocked I seem to get.

There was a bomb scare at the high school. It turned out to be a stupid hoax but it sure showed off how unprepared the school systems are in dealing with emergencies. There was chaos and delays and more confusion. I drove to the junior high school to pick up Billy and Heidi after a surreptitious call from a pay phone (no one wanted to let the kids use the phones). I was shocked at the sight of kids milling around on the school grounds. It didn’t look like anyone was in charge, not even the cop in the street! :P

Saddam Hussein was finally captured! We still don’t know where Osama bin Laden is … and the killing pf American soldiers continues in Iraq. I think this is our Viet Nam of this century.

Noted celebrity passings: Katharine Hepburn, Mr. Rogers, Art Carney, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and John Ritter. I know that there were more but these were the ones that made an impact on me.

And I turned 49 this year. And so it goes.

New Year's Trivia:

Did you know that celebrating the New Year possibly is the oldest holiday in recorded history originating from the ancient Babylonians, 4000 years ago.

The Babylonians also began the tradition of New Years resolutions as a way to start the new year on a clean slate by returning borrowed gifts.

Using a newborn baby to represent the new year is believed to originate in ancient Greece around 600 B.C. January 1st officially became the first day of the new year when Julius Caesar introduced the Julian Calendar in 46 B.C.
--from Care2

The 2nd Day After Christmas

We were invited to a the family Christmas party at inlaws Tim and Anna's today. Most of us are under the weather, especially TB, but right up to the last minute we were looking forward to going. We only get to see some of TB's family once or twice a year. TB was really sick and hadn't been sleeping well. I didn't feel so great either. Aside from infecting everyone at the party, there was also the long drive to consider. So we decided it would be better to spare everyone and stay home. It turns out that TB's mom also didn't go because she wasn't feeling well. Ah well.

I didn't do much today except sleep and read my book. The kids have cabin fever, I think, and they're squabbling and crabby. Heidi said she hates vacations because we never go anywhere. Well, we do, but not as often as the kids would like. So it goes.

Write about special things that will need to be put back into storage now that the holiday is ending soon.

This isn’t going to happen for a week yet but I’ve already been thinking about it. One of the brightest things about the holiday season is putting up the tree, the lights, and all the decorations. I feel blue when we have to take them all down again.

There’s the tree, of course. In past years, after we’d taken everything off the tree it would stand there looking so bare and neglected. Then we had to drag it out the door and throw it on the ground where the garbagemen would pick it up. Boy, talk about your bummers! It’s really sad to see your beautiful tree all broken and cast off.

Now we have a lovely artificial tree. There is a whole different feel to taking it down. All the ornaments come off first and are packed away in boxes. There are the precious ornaments I’ve collected over the years that I thought had been lost, ornaments we made ourselves as well as ornaments I bought for the kids individually. There are the new ornaments that TB and I bought for our first Christmas last year. There are all the lights and the angel on top of the tree.

Once that is done, we take the branches off the tree and Billy packs them carefully away. It feels better to me because we’re showing a lot more respect. I don’t know why I feel that way. I just feel better with the kind of care the tree gets now.

Around the house are all the candles and little knick knacks. Some are easy to overlook because they blend in so well. I have a small set of musical angels on my desk. There are more angels on top of the TV in the family room and on the hutch in the living room too. I don’t remember where all these angels came from. The really little ones are mine, angels I’ve bought very recently.

The set of angels on the TV are from Rich’s mother, who died a week after I met her. She was very crafty and loved to collect angels. Anyway, these angels are musical, too. Several of them broke and Rich fixed them the last Christmas he spent with us. One of them broke again this year and this time TB fixed it. Carol made other decorations, crocheting and little tree ornaments, and I’ve kept them because they were pretty and because she made them.

I have Christmas-y beanie babies that will go away for a year. On the up side, I have beanie babies and a stuffed Grumpy (from Walt Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarves that I put away to make room for the holiday beanies. It’ll be nice to see them again.

There is another up side to all this: I will have room again beside my desk. TB and I got a bookcase so that I could have a place to put my stuff. Right now it’s on the other side of the treadmill, out of my reach. It’ll be nice to organize my stuff and have a place for it all. I try to look for something positive in all this so I don’t feel as blue taking all the decorations down.

This is from a Dilbert Newsletter dated December 28, 1999 ......

"In the tradition of the Dilbert Newsletter, I give you a special
holiday story containing no humor content whatsoever.

The Stranger ~

It was one of those cold winter nights in the Haight district of San Francisco, the kind where the rain hurts, and your breath forms huge cotton balls that bounce on the pavement. I was driving an eyesore that could only be referred to as a "car" by someone who was either a shameless liar or a good friend.

Technically, the vehicle was totalled when I bought it from an unscrupulous neighbor, because it needed an engine overhaul that would have cost more than the car itself. I added a quart of oil before every journey. Most of it would leak out along the way. I tried to imagine I was driving a huge magical snail; that way I didn't mind the slow speeds and the slime trail it left.

The car's outer paint had transformed into a hideous mixture of rust and "something brown." The engine sounded like a lawnmower with tuberculosis. If anyone ever wondered what the inside of an automobile seat looked like, my car had the answers.

It was a difficult car to drive because you had to keep your fingers and toes crossed to keep the engine running. That night, I must have uncrossed my fingers to scratch something. The car died in the middle of a four-lane stretch of Oak Street. I coasted as far as I could, hoping for a place to turn off, but the street was lined with parked cars and the nearest intersection was beyond coasting distance. There I sat, in busy evening traffic, no lights, no locomotion, as tons of steel and plastic screamed by.

In my rearview mirror, I saw a pair of headlights pull up and stop behind me. I knew what was coming. Soon the horn would start and someone would be cursing at me. In San Francisco, if you dawdle too long after a light turns green, you get the horn. If you dare to come to a full stop at a stop sign, you get the horn from the car behind you. I figured I was begging for trouble.

But I was wrong.

A stranger got out of the car and came up to my window. He shouted, "Do you want a push?" I was stunned but must have nodded in the affirmative. He waved at his car and two teens piled out to apply themselves to my bumper. When I was safely delivered to a side street, they hopped back into their car and rejoined the sea of anonymous traffic. I didn't get a chance to thank them.

Over the years, I've realized something about the stranger who stopped to help. I've noticed that just about every time I'm in trouble, he appears. He never looks the same. Sometimes he's a woman. His age and ethnicity vary. But he's almost always there.

I've started to understand he's the best part of what makes us human beings. The one true thing in this world is an unasked kindness provided by a stranger. It's the invisible cord that binds us all together and makes life worthwhile.

So - whenever you find yourself immersed in the clutter and bustle of what we call "everyday life" - annoyed by the long lines, baffled about how you'll
ever get everything done, remember this ..... One of the people in that crowd is the stranger. Today, maybe it's you."

The first day after Christmas ...

Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? How many things did you return today? Describe how you spent the day AFTER Christmas.

I got every single thing I really wanted for Christmas! I wanted a nice day with family and no fighting and delicious Chinese food. We had a great day! We were opening presents just about all day. There was first thing in the morning, and it was totally orderly and enjoyable with Kristin playing the Santa Claus part.

Around noon, family gathered: TB's mom and two daughters and David and the kids. There were more presents and this time oldest grandkid Brandon played Santa. It was a little busier only because now there were so many people in the family room. We visited and got to talk to each other and just generally had a great time.

Best of all: no sibling fights! Yay!!!

Today I am in holiday withdrawal. I turned on my car radio station, the one tuned to Christmas music 24/7 for the last six weeks or so ... and I heard classic rock! I felt totally betrayed. Hey, couldn't they keep playing the Christmas music a day or two? Hmph!

I took the kids to the mall for two reasons. First, Billy and Kristin needed to exchange the gifts Heidi'd gotten them ... the game was defective and the expansion pack needed to be traded for a memory chip. That done, we went in search of the Barnes & Npble bookstore so that the girls could use their gift certificates. There was one big problem: no B&N at the mall!

Anyway, the only returned items were the game and the expansion pack.

I think everyone has a holiday hangover. Poor TB has a nasty head cold and didn't sleep well at all last night.

The kids have alternated between crankiness, irritability, and good humor. I just wish the good humor cycles lasted longer.

As for me, I have finally accepted the fact that the marathon Christmas music I enjoyed for the last 6 weeks is no more and I will need to play my own CDs in order to hear the songs I love so much.

I think it's so awesome that the most comments I've gotten on a journal entry has been about Yingle Bells! I had no idea that there were other people who enjoyed it as much as Uncle Gil and me!!!

Christmas Eve

The weather outside is frightful but it’s not snowing. We are getting sheets of rain pouring down on us. Ah, if only it was snow! We’d be snowed in for the weekend and that’s not too terrible … not to me. The grandkiddies will be here soon. We’re watching them so that Michelle and David can do some Christmas shopping.

When I was younger, my parents, my brother and I used to ride around neighborhoods looking for lights. It was a nice way for us to spend Christmas Eve, looking at all the lights. I’ve always been gaga over lights. When I was all grown up, my family and I would go to a “Festival of Lights” type display. It cost about $15 to ride through several acres of these gigantic and very beautiful holiday lights.

For years, my family and I would go to Christmas Eve service. I loved them, loved the dim lighting from flickering candles, the voices of the congregation singing Christmas hymns and just the sense of love and joy all around me.
TB and I are about done as we are ever going to be in terms of Christmas shopping. We wrapped the last of the packages this morning.

I’m sorry that it’s so wet and miserable out but that’s not going to spoil my day!

The holiday season

I think I am finished with my Christmas shopping and I feel very relieved about that.

These prompts were actually for two different days: Write about your favorite thing about the holidays and Write about your un-favorite thing about the holidays. I don't have just one favorite or un-favorite, though, so I'll just list them.

I love the whole reason we're celebrating Christmas and the emotions that go with it. We're celebrating the birth of Jesus, and that manger scene never fails to move me to emotion. When I was little, I felt connected to the infant. I've always loved babies, and Jesus was special in more ways than one. I don't think of him as a Savior in the manger scenes. He is a sweet, vulnerable little baby being protected by his parents in some cold manger instead of being indoors out of the night. A baby is a miracle, well, any new life is.

Beyond that, I love the music ... the carols and the Christmas songs. I like the 'feelings' of the season. People act more cheery and helpful ... well, sometimes. I wish we could have that 'feeling' throughout the year. I love the trimmed tree and the lovely ornaments. I love the soft candlelight in a church's Christmas Eve service. I love the concept of a happy, loving family celebrating together.

With that in mind, I dislike the disillusioning reality of it all. Families aren't always happy and loving.

I don't like the commercialization of Christmas. Store managers put up their holiday decorations as soon as Halloween is over. A lot of kids think Christmas is about Santa and presents. Clarissa, our little neighbor down the street, is bummed because she's not getting many gifts this year. Christmas is not about getting presents!

I also don't like the PC-ness of Christmas nowadays. When I was in the high school chorus, we had a holiday concert and we sang Christmas and Hanukkah songs and it was cool. But now, God forbid anyone should say Jesus or Happy Hanukkah in a school. Now it's got to be "holiday season" and "season's greetings" so no one is offended ... especially not the atheists who run to court over every little thing. Now we have "winter" concerts.

Well, I can still lose myself in the Christmas music the radio plays and I can watch the old Christmas movies and get back in touch with the good old fashioned beliefs and values.

When I was little, I remember my grandma and my aunts and uncles used to talk about "the old days" and how much things used to cost. I always found it a little amusing to listen to them sounding so shocked about how the prices had been going up.

Yeah, well, now it's me who's resisting the reality of inflation and the much higher cost of everything! I don't like spending a lot of money on something I remember spending a whole lot less on.

Monday Madness:

Each of the questions below begin with 'How much would YOU pay for'..........

1. a pair of dress shoes

$50.00 … is that unreasonable for ladies’ shoes? I know I was annoyed at spending around $50 on walking shoes. I better stick to Payless!

2. a pair of jeans

$35, and that’s about tops. I can find jeans at that price when I go to Walmart. Goodbye Penneys and Sears!

3. a pound of ground round

I've spent up to $2.19 a pound -- unwillingly. If it's much more than that, I just skip it. The best buy is at BJ's. I think it's $1.69 there. Or maybe I am hallucinating and the day of cheap hamburger is over.

4. a music cd

$15.00 and I don't kick too much about that. CD's are still rather new to me. I used to have the vinyl albums and then the cassette tapes. I just don't like having to convert over to something new every few years. So what is after the CD now?

5. a computer

$800 and that is probably totally out there in the Land of Oz. Heh.

6. a loaf of bread

$2.49 and that's totally unwillingly. The healthy whole grain stuff is way too much more than the 99 cent white bread crap.

7. a dvd movie

$19.99 ... see CD

8. an ironing board

$10.00 and even that is too much especially cuz I hardly ever iron

9. a hair cut

$15.00 ... I get these at the Hair Cuttery.

10. a magazine

$3.50 ... geesh, I remember buying all kinds of magazines when I was a kid. The magazines were only 35 or 50 cents an issue and I could afford them. How in heck do kids buy magazines these days ... use a credit card?

Humbug. ;-)

Stress Reliever

Shopping.

That worked really well this morning to blow off all the stress caused by the 15 year old in rebellion. TB and I went out and bought a pair of needed blue jeans and a trunkful of food.

Actually, what really worked was getting out of the house and away from the tension. We felt a whole lot better when we returned.

And I am almost done with Christmas shopping, which is a big relief too!

Unconscious Mutterings:

I say … and you think …

1. Exchange:: return

2. Parental Advisory:: movie

3. Blowout:: explosion

4. Spider:: scary

5. Happy:: New Year

6. Intense:: how I’m feeling now

7. Corrupt:: evil

8. Got:: have

9. Crude:: dirty

10. Three::four
    

Terrible Teens vs. Terrible Twos

I'll take the terrible twos anyday. Kids that age can have explosive tantrums but they're a lot easier to ignore cuz adults have more power. Think about it ... kid has a tantrum and won't stop, you just pick him or her up and deposit them in their bedroom until it's over. It doesn't work that way with teens.

I had a big long whine all planned out and was going to run on and on and on about how today sucked. But then I took a reading break and went browsing my favorite journals. One of them was Hammorabi and yes, I looked at the pictures. And I thought: what am I complaining about? It sort of put things into perspective I guess.

Peace.

Today is My Birthday

"Every birthday, you decide whether to mark it the end of your greatest days or the beginning of your finest hour." --Oprah Winfrey

Today is my birthday and I am 49 years old. I was joking with TB this morning about how I became a year older overnight but didn’t feel any different. He kidded back that it was only yesterday that I was 48. To me, kidding around is a big part of celebrating birthdays.

Some people don’t like to celebrate their birthdays because they don’t want to be reminded that they are getting older. I don’t mean young kids and young adults. They seem to look forward to birthdays. I mean people who are around my age. I’ve heard some say, “I am over the hill” or “I’m getting old!” or “I’m half a century old! Half a century!”

I got a note from Oma today and I felt sad for her. She thanked us for the floral arrangement we sent for her birthday. She lamented the fact that she is slowing down and tiring easily. She becomes tired after putting her clothes on and becomes impatient with herself. She notices that she is sleeping more and more. I felt sad for her because she sounded so dispirited. She’s 93 years old now and it seems that she is beginning to give up. Up until then, her life was full and she was resigned to birthdays as she entered her 90s.

There’s a difference between feeling old at 93 and feeling old at 50. Fifty is notover-the-hill unless you let yourself feel dragged down. I think that Oprah Winfrey was right when she said that every year a person decides whether this birthday is the closing years of life or the beginning of new adventures.

It’s funny, I don’t think I really did appreciate my birthdays fully until after I got married and had kids. The best gift of all is to have my family around me: TB, the memory of Rich, the kids. Gifts and cake are nice but definitely don’t make the day most special. This year, I loved the cake TB had decorated for me at the store and the faces of my family around me.

I don’t want to ever feel like I’m too old or finished … not while I’m this young anyway. I have aches and pains I didn’t have before but I noticed that once I began walking on the treadmill I began to feel better, emotionally and physically. I have found something to enjoy about each 10 years of my life. I am sure that as I move through my 50s I will find many things to enjoy and appreciate.

Okay this is better ...

So I am still an elf but I'm a lot cuter!

Congratulations! You're Legolas!


Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Shopping turns my mind to mush

Wow, I am amazed at the popularity of “Yingle Bells”! Since I posted about it I’ve gotten nice comments from people who must have found the entry by doing a search on the song. How cool! I downloaded that entry, changed a few words here and there and sent it to my Uncle Gilbert. I reread it and I thought he might get a kick out of it.

My brain is like cornmeal mush tonight. This is what happens when I do marathon Christmas shopping. TB is in a similar condition but he had to go to a CAD class tonight.

The good thing is that we are mostly done with our shopping now. We just have to do some creative juggling with our books for the next couple of weeks. Hey, it keeps us on our toes, right?

Okay, since I can’t think straight at the moment I might as well be silly. Now I am not sure which answers made me a cranky bitching mean elf. Maybe I'll retake the test and see what happens!

Congratulations! You're Elrond!


Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

I have fond memories of this song. I think it’s been around for years but I didn’t hear it until we’d been living in Columbia, Maryland, a few years. One of the radio stations began to play Christmas music around the clock and I was hooked on that station.

We were struggling financially that fall. The health insurance premiums were going up where Rich worked and so I began browsing the want ads in the papers. I had an idea that a staff interpreter job would be more advantageous to us in terms of the benefits.

One Sunday in November, I saw a posting for a WIC (a supplemental food program for Women Infants & Children) in a medical setting. One of the requirements was fluency in sign language. It sounded almost ideal! When I called for more information, I found out that a college degree was not required (hallelujah!) and that the medical center would pay for my training. There was a training coming up for the month of December and so I made an appointment for an interview.

The only drawback I could see was that it was in Baltimore and Rich’s job was near Washington DC. We only had one car. I found out that there was an express bus that ran from Columbia to downtown Baltimore. We decided it was worth a try and I went for the interview. The pay wasn’t all that great but the benefits more than made up for it. My hours would be from 8:30 to 4:30 four days a week. I accepted the job.

At first I loved it! Training began in west Baltimore. I was very familiar with the area. When I was a kid, we’d lived close enough so that this Edmondson Village neighborhood was where we’d go shopping. The area had deteriorated over the years. The place I was to be trained was new; it was going to become the new WIC Center for one of the sponsoring agencies. I knew I wouldn’t be working there but it sure was close by and I wouldn’t have minded. It seemed like this particular strip mall was trying to renovate itself.

The training was totally non stressful. I met a group of really nice people, coordinators from many different programs around the city. I was the only one who would be serving the deaf and they all were so impressed about it. I began to feel really good. We learned mandated procedures during that first week, all the things we were required to look for when we interviewed an applicant. Most of the time, applicants would qualify under one condition or another.

After that first week, we met either at the State Office Building in Baltimore or at a small church in the northeastern part of the city. Just about transportation: it was easiest for me to go to the State Office Building. The bus would take me right to the complex and it was easy to catch a bus to Columbia back home. It was totally secure. It was a little more complicated at the clinic in that small church. I would have to transfer to the bus to Columbia. It took a little longer but it was also okay.

I enjoyed going to that little clinic at the church. The secretary for the clinic had a big heart under a tough veneer. She’d play the station with Christmas music all day. She also sang “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” anytime she went up or down the hall. It was hilarious. We would sing with her and it was just so much fun. I always thought the song was kind of stupid but now I really enjoyed it. I’m sure it was the atmosphere I enjoyed.

I would do “clinical” training two days out of the week. I learned how to complete the screening questions, how to do a finger stab to test the blood for low iron, how to do nutritional counseling, and how to cut the checks. I felt like I was contributing in a very positive way. I was up on that cloud nine cliché throughout the holiday season … until the training classes broke for Christmas Eve and Christmas. Then I was in for a real surprise!

Christmas Cards & Cancer

I've never been really good at Christmas cards. I have good intentions every year that I will get them addressed and signed early. I don't like to send out a card with just our names. I usually like to write something, even if it's just "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year". That's why I tend to procrastinate. I tell myself I don't want to do a rush job. I'll wait for a day when I have plenty of time to write what I want. Of course, that day doesn't come. Even when I panic and start on the cards on the 20th, I don't have enough time.

Maybe I also procrastinate because I've not been fond of sitting at the table for several hours, writing. I mean, I can't exactly type out a 'form' note for friends and family. That's really ... well, lazy I guess. It's impersonal. It's annoying. It's ... one of those obnoxious newsletter thingys that I hate!

This year was no different. I started out with every intention of doing the Christmas cards over the Thanksgiving weekend. Hah. When the weekend slipped by, I thought oh well, there's still plenty of time.

This morning TB suggested we do the Christmas cards together, get them done so we could put them in the mail. It was a whole lot less stressful having TB sitting next to me. I guess another reason I procrastinated is that it's just no fun doing this by myself. I'd been doing Christmas cards on my own for about 15 years now. Boring. But this year it wasn't boring although my hand did hurt by the time I was done.

I get frustrated when that happens. There is a lot I'd like to say in a note but I keep it shorter than I normally might because of the injuries in my wrists and fingers.

Anyway, by lunch time all the cards were signed, addressed and stamped. We took them to the post office and hopefully they'll get where they need to before Christmas.

Just before we went to the post office, my friend Elfie called from Austria. I hadn't heard from her in such a long time! She tried to call a couple of times but I wasn't home. So this time, I got her phone number so that I can call her back. The first round of chemo didn't work very well and the cancer has spread to her liver. She had some more surgery and will be having chemo again next week. It's scary!

Elfie sounds okay on the phone but I worry. She says she is sure the chemo will work this time around ... it has to because she wants to come and visit next fall. Cancer is a nasty disease and hers seems to be virulent. She was okay in the spring and planned to come visit me in June.

The week she was supposed to fly to the States, apparently the cancer was detected. She had to have emergency surgery and then more surgery and then chemo and then more surgery. It's blowing my mind.

Elfie has had a colonoscopy and it's bothering her a lot. She doesn't like it, it's painful and she feels very self-conscious about it. TB said that people who love her won't care and she said she knew that but still felt she'd be "imposing" because of the stoma and the bag. She had colon cancer and so there is an opening in her side and a bag to catch the waste. I understand how she feels. I'd feel the same way!

We're praying for her, have been ever since the first surgery.

I hate cancer! It's a nasty, vicious disease!

Rich's Aunt Terri has had cancer for a long time now. She's been having chemo for years and is still here, fighting bravely. I guess her form of cancer is less aggressive somehow? It's troubling her more this year than it has been in recent years. There was a time when she'd completed chemo and was okay. In the last couple of years, though, it seems she's on chemo all the time. Just before Thanksgiving, she had to go into the hospital because there was about 2 qts of fluid around her lungs that needed to be drained.

My two favorite uncles died from cancer. My aunt has had it and had a lump removed from her breast. A cousin died of breast cancer when she was in her early 40s. My dad had a bout with it. If there was a way to die that scares me, it's cancer.

Thursday we have one week left to Christmas. You know, that is scary too! I'm not done with my shopping and the stores are off the wall! Next year, I am definitely starting earlier!

'Sup Internet?

I meant to update much earlier. Mousie is back, totally safe. I haven't been able to get here though and I wonder what is up with the Internet? I get an error message if I try to go to any other link on pages like Yahoo, Excite, and MSN. For a while, I couldn't go to other sites at all ... like this one.

So ...

I guess it's the cold winds blowing Siberian air around here, or maybe the heavy traffic as people react to Saddam Hussein's capture (what a weasel, hiding in a iddy biddy spider hole!), or some other problem on the Internet. \

Anyway, about Mouse:

What a relief! When Billy opened his bedroom door, Mouse came running down the stairs. She did get trapped in the room last night. She was hiding in the top bunk, peering anxiously over the slats at Buddy below. Billy said he had a hard time getting her down. She was meowing at Buddy the whole time. I am sure her bladder was exploding! She ran to her food dish first and looked around, betrayed. Most of the soft cat food had been devoured by Mouse, who usually gets the meager leavings. I am so relieved, I can laugh at all this now!

Unconscious Mutterings:

I say … and you think …

1. Warning:: alarm

2. Aspirations:: hopes

3. Starvation:: hungry

4. Lid:: top

5. Sketch:: drawing

6. Interrogate::question
   
   
7. Credit:: card

8. Scotch:: whiskey

9. Confused:: puzzled

10. Paris::France
    

Saddam Hussein Captured!

Thank God!

It's been so frustrating that we hadn't caught that cruel tyrant!

I saw on the internet news that Hussein was allegedly captured but wasn't sure it was so. I was praying that the unconfirmed news was true!

When TB got up, we turned on the news. The press conference was just beginning. First, L. Paul Bremer (the U.S. administrator) read a statement confirming that Saddam Hussein was, indeed, captured! Next, one of the Iraq governing council members, Ahmad Chalabi, gave a statement ... in Arabic. TB and I couldn't understand what he said. We were bummed.

Then General Ricardo Sanchez gave more details about what happened. There were two places they heard Hussein might be so they went both places with like 600 soldiers! At first, they didn't find anything or anyone and so they began searching all the buildings. Someone noticed a "spider hole" and when they investigated, there was Saddam! He was in this little room (6-8) under the ground. Ha!

The general went on to answer questions. It was kinda frustrating because most of the reporters asked questions in Arabic. If Mr. Chalabi was answering and the next questioner also asked in Arabic, then we were clueless for some minutes.

Iraqis are, I think, celebrating. Some of the reporters at the press conference stood up and shouted when a video of Saddam in custody was played. He was some sorry looking dog, all frowsy. The whole audience cheered at some places.

What good news!

Where is Mouse?

I couldn't get back to sleep this morning so around 5:30 a.m. I got up and went to make coffee. I was really surprised to see Amber waiting for me at the door. Although Amber is bigger and heavier than Mouse, she is not the dominant kitty of the two. She tends to hold back while Mouse pushes forward ahead of her in anything.

Up until this morning, Mouse has always been the one waiting for me or TB at the bedroom door. She'll circle around me once and then, her tail straight up in the air, she marches down the hall to the kitchen. She'll look over her shoulder to make sure I'm following. She'll circle around my feet, meow, and just generally get in the way while I'm opening up a packet of cat food.

Amber was at the door this morning. I was happy to see her because she mostly hides during the day. I wondered, though ... where is Mouse? Amber always hung out in the living or dining room while I got the cats' breakfast. She wouldn't come in for her share until Mouse had eaten her fill. Mouse would eat from both bowls! I thought that was pretty unfair so if I could catch her, I'd carry Amber in to get some food before Mouse ate it all.

Of the two, Mouse will more often seek us out than Amber will. Mouse will sometimes jump up on the sofa between TB and me for some loving. She'll follow us into the bedroom and hop up on the bed looking for affection. If Amber approaches us, she'll pick a spot out of reach and lie down. She seems to be content with being within eyeshot of us. More rare, she'll sometimes jump up to TB's office window or she'll get on the corner table behind me and meow so I can comb her long fur.

Mouse loves to play. Her favorite game with me or TB is chasing the belt from my bathrobe and batting it around. She'll basically chase anything that moves. Amber doesn't join in the fun. She watches from a few feet away. TB found out that Amber loves to chase a penlight shone on the floor. When Mouse wants to join in, she just sort of pushes Amber away. Amber doesn't fight back and just sits.

Mouse and Amber chase each other all through the house in the early morning hours. They will wrestle each other and roll all over the floor. It's funny and I think they are playing, but I'm not sure.

Amber has a very soft, shy sounding voice. Mouse's can be plaintive and very loud when she wants to be heard. If Mouse is shut into a room and she wants to get out, the whole house can hear her!

That is what is worrying me this morning. She always comes for her breakfast, always! So where is she? And if she's stuck in someone's bedroom, why hasn't she cried to get out? All the scary thoughts go through my mind: she's hurt, she's sick, she's ... but I don't want to think that.

There is one other, possibly hilarious possibility. Maybe she's shut in Billy's room. Billy takes Buddy the Lab up to sleep in his room every night. If Mouse was under the bed, she'd be stuck there. She wouldn't want to come out with the dog there. She wouldn't want to bring Buddy's attention to her by meowing.

I hope.

So I've been enjoying Amber's company this morning. She's spoken to me a couple of times. We played with a length of purple ribbon. She's let me comb her. She's been rubbing against me to be petted. I love it! But I still worry ... where is Mouse?

Bonding

Heidi and I made cookies today. I was there to provide a little guidance because Heidi is so sure she can't cook or bake. She made a delicious batch of chocolate chips with macadamia nuts cookies. It was so good the five of us devoured all 6 dozen!

We'll maybe remember the cookies for the extra pounds we put on. More than that, though, was Heidi and I got to spend some time together that wasn't doctor related. I enjoyed being with her this afternoon.

My recent bonding experiences have all been pretty positive.

The other night I watched Christmas Vacation with Billy.

Last Tuesday, I went with Linda on one of her OB/GYN appointments and I heard the baby's heart beating. I enjoyed Linda's company very much.

I know that there will be more opportunities with Michelle and Kristin.

TB and I still find new ways to bond. This morning, I realized that I couldn't be any more happy than I am right now.

Bad things will still happen but there are plenty of good memories like these for me to hold on to.

Saturday 8:

well, here we go... christmas, hanukkah & kwanzaa cards are flying through the mail, lights are going up, candles in people's windows, trees are seen being transported atop station wagons, stores are bustling with people and sales are popping up all over. so, how are YOU doing?

1. if you celebrate, do you put up lights outside your home/apartment? if you don't celebrate, do you like seeing christmas lights or not?

I love Christmas lights! Some of our neighbors have some really beautiful displays up. Others are just “busy”. The lights are pretty but there’s just too much stuff crowded in the yards. TB and I would put up Christmas lights if we had an outdoor outlet. We don’t want to run an extension cords out one of our windows so what we’ll do is, when TB is better, put an outlet in the front yard.

2. do you send holiday cards out? if not, do you usually get holiday cards?

I send and receive Christmas cards every year.

3. if you get holiday cards, do you display them ... or are you scroogey and give them a charitable glance and then trash them?

A little of both, I would say. On Long Island, we’d tape our cards to the wall. I would rather spare our walls and display them another way. I’ve still got every card I’ve received so far.

4. oh, those holiday movies ... my favourite holiday flick is 'a christmas carol.' i make a list of the days/times/channels that each version comes on so that i won't miss one (my favourite version is the 1984 george c. scott ... i miss him!). my second favourite is 'rudolph.' do you have a favourite holiday flick? frosty? the grinch? or do you just not get into holiday movies?

I love holiday movies! My favorite Christmas movie of all time is It’s A Wonderful Life and it’s about a good man – someone I’d consider a real Christian – who gets into a serious jam and learns two things. One is that his life is important (and so are our lives, for each of us) and the other is that the kindness you show others will come back to you in sometimes the most surprising way!

5. i'm in florida, and if i want to see snow, i generally have to drive about 10 hours north to see anything exciting. tell us about your holiday weather around the end of december. will you have a white christmas/hanukkah/kwanzaa this year?

I think we have a 50-50 chance of having a white Christmas. We got a dusting of snow on Christmas day last year and it was enough to make it white!

6. my daughter's favourite holiday song goes: 'christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat! please put a penny in the old man's hat. if you haven't got a penny, a halfpenny will do. if you haven't got a halfpenny, then God bless you!' my favourite is 'gabriel's message' by sting. do you have any traditional/non-traditional holiday songs that are your favourite?

I have more than one favorite. One is “White Christmas” by Bing Crosby. I love “Christmas Canon” by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. I love the funny songs, “Dominick the Donkey” and “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”. I also love “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” … the Peter, Paul & Mary version.

7. my eldest child hates the holiday song, "God rest ye, merry gentlemen." i can't stand "away in a manger." is there a holiday song that makes your ears bleed when you hear it?

The sad ones … like “Blue Christmas” or “Please Come Home for Christmas”.

8. children are getting out of school. people are taking time off of work. hanukkah and christmas are just a few days apart this year. what are YOUR plans for the holiday season this year? anything exciting?

For me, the best Christmas vacations are spent at home with my loved ones and family. That’s exciting for me, not so very to other people though.

Same New Neighbors, Different Day ...

Well, Terry has us pegged. We would not have Clarissa out in the street by herself. The little girl rang the bell and said her house was locked; no one was home. She had such a sad look on her face. We let her in and she & Kristin began playing with the Nintendo 64.

Terry called around 3:45 and nonchalantly said, "You can send Clarissa home now."

How nice.

I said, "Terry, what's going on? Clarissa came home and found the door was locked. No one was at home."

She said defensively: "We left the door open for her. She was to come into the house and wait for us. We can't always tell if we'll be late. I still need to get my urine test to find out what is wrong with me."

Blah blah blah.

Meanwhile, they've been adding decorations and trimmings to the house. The house looks great ... but if Terry is sick, why hasn't she had her urine test yet? It doesn't make sense.

I told Terry that we didn't mind if Clarissa came over but we'd really like to know ahead of time.

Again, she said the door was open for Clarissa. Terry said Clarissa locked the door herself.

?????

I don't understand why she isn't more concerned for the welfare of her kids, especially Clarissa. I would think that she'd call someone once she figured out she'd be late. She's got my number. I'm sure she's got Flo&Bob's. Why wouldn't she think to ask someone to watch out for her daughter? In a way, it's like neglect or abandonment ... at least, I think so.

So what kind of mother will Clarissa make? Maybe Terry hasn't thought that far ahead. Maybe she never will. Maybe Terry's mother treated her the same way when she was little. So maybe Clarissa will leave her own child alone in an empty house for a couple of hoursl

Ho ho ho.

Past, Present & Future:

PAST: What would you consider your first real accomplishment in life? We're talking about something you put real, conscious effort into, here.

I would say my first accomplishment was becoming a good interpreter for the deaf. I did put a lot of real conscious effort into my sign language classes. I went from knowing little to no skills. I really wanted to communicate with my parents, Aunt Betty & Uncle Bob, and other deaf people. I went into interpreter training mentorship (I guess you’d call it that) to see if I could do it competently. I could! I was really proud of myself when I went before the Registry of Interpreters’ Committee, passed the tests, and became a certified interpreter.

PRESENT: What are you working on now that you're hoping to have accomplished soon?

Ha. Well, I guess I will say my stories. I hope to finish one … soon. It would be better to say that I will do it but … eh.

FUTURE: What accomplishment would you like to be remembered for? (Hint: This is where you could get away with making up something delightfully improbable.)

I have a real answer here! I’ve been a mentor for young interpreters in various skill levels. I felt really good that they asked to work with me because they said I gave constructive criticism and didn’t belittle or demean them for mistakes. So I would like for people to remember that accomplishment – that I was effective at helping young interpreters become better signers.

New Neighbors V

The kids had a half day of school today. Apparently no one was at home for Clarissa. I don't know where Terry or Mike was. I was napping when Clarissa sort of walked in the door and told TB she couldn't get into her house. It was locked. She wondered where her younger sibs would go when the bus dropped them off. TB was upset ... we weren't expecting to have to take care of all those kids without warning!

Enough was too much!

When I got up, Kristin and Clarissa were coloring quietly in the family room. TB told me what was going on and I was a bit annoyed too. The younger kids hadn't come home yet but ... where was Terry?

I asked Clarissa if she had any relatives nearby and she shook her head and said no. She seemed clearly uneasy, especially since it's so apparent I'm trying to prevent a friendship between her and Kristin. She showed off some clothes her guidance counselor gave her. It was a logical way to get some more information. Within minutes, I had the name of the counselor and Clarissa's last name.

I called the school and asked for the counselor. I explained what happened and said I was worried because no one knew where the mother of these kids were. Unfortunately, everyone was in a workshop. The secretary said she would call the emergency numbers on Clarissa's card and give my number to them. A few minutes later, the secretary called back and said she couldn't reach anyone and she was going to page the principal.

TB, Billy, and Kristin stayed at home to watch out for Clarissa and any stray sibs that came along. Heidi and I went to the store. As we were leaving, I saw Terry's car speeding up her driveway and back behind the house. That was puzzling ...

Anyway, neither TB nor I got a chance to speak to Terry before she took Clarissa home. TB was in the bathroom when Terry rang the bell. She had no word of explanation for anyone, just took the kid and left.

I feel really bad for that kid. She's a nice enough kid but she's had some terrible experiences and has had terrible guidance from her mother or whoever has cared for her.

There was an article in the local paper about a man sentenced to 22 years in prison for sexually assaulting a girl in the town nearby. Some of the things Clarissa said about what happened to her matches the story. It's just very creepy.

I don't know if this Mike person is still emailing suggestive posts to Michelle's friend. It's creepy he'd be in the house with Clarissa's family ... I mean, if he'd come on to another woman, would he try anything on his stepdaughters? Ugh...

The division of youth & family services (DYFS) has a file open on Clarissa. She was in the system for about three years.

Ho ho ho.

Notme & Ida Know

When I used to read the newspaper, my favorite part was the funnies section. I loved reading a cartoon called “Family Circus” by Bil Keane. His cartoons centered on a family, mom, dad, and 4 kids.

The ones I liked best also featured the invisible Notme and Ida Know. These creatures were to blame for everything. All they did was get into mischief and cause trouble.

“Who spilled the juice?”
“Notme.”
“Not me.”
“Not me.”

Or: “What happened to the box of popcorn?”
“Ida Know.”
“Ida Know.”
“Ida Know.”

It was frustrating because you could never catch Notme and Ida Know. It’s especially frustrating because Notme and Ida Know have come to live in our house.

Who drank up two cartons of the eggnog TB bought the other day?

It was Notme and Ida Know.

The girls and I spent a couple of hours making chocolate chip cookies last night. It was fun and we were looking forward to enjoying them this week. This morning when I came into the kitchen, half the batch was gone. I didn’t even need to ask before I knew the answer.

Now I have to hide the cookies and other goodies from Notme and Ida Know. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

I hope Notme and Ida Know get bored soon and move on to torment some other family … but somehow, I don’t think that’s going to happen! :P

Circle of Words:

1. Do you enjoy Christmas shopping? Who do you enjoy shopping? Do you find it frustrating to shop for certain people? Who and Why?

I enjoy Christmas shopping very much, even if I am in a crowded mall. I don’t like crowds generally and I feel claustrophobic rather quickly. Still, it seems worth it to me. I especially enjoy internet shopping because I can choose what I like and it’s in stock. I also enjoy the convenience and the freedom from a suffocating crowd.

I find it hardest and most frustrating to shop for people who seem to have everything they want. Usually, it’s the older people that confounds me. I’ve taken to sending a beautiful floral arrangement to Oma every year to celebrate her birthday and Christmas. I figure she can enjoy it for a while and I don’t have to worry that it will end up in a box in a drawer somewhere. I am satisfied with sending Fred, Alberta, and my parents Hickory Farms type packages. I’m thinking that these are foods they wouldn’t normally eat year round and that it would be a nice treat.

2. The holidays sometimes cause us to try to do too many things at once. Our loved ones may go without because we offer our time to others. Do you tend to spread yourself to thin at the holidays? What types of things do you commit to that you wish you wouldn't?

I think I’ve learned the hard way NOT to spread myself too thin. I don’t enjoy the holidays very much when I’m rushing here and there and everywhere. I don’t overcommit myself anymore. In the past, I volunteered too many times to take care of the baked goods or rehearsals for the Christmas songs and what have you. Now I just bake for my family and closest friends. I don’t get involved with Christmas programming any more.

3. Do you remember how you found out that your parents were actually Santa Claus? How old were you? If you have children, do they still believe? If so, what sort of traditions do you carry on in regards to Santa. Do they write a letter, leave cookies, etc?

I was pretty old when I found out who really brought the presents. I’m sure I must have suspected it or heard it long before I stumbled onto the gifts in the closet. I asked my mother about them and she gave me this look and signed, come on, you know about Santa don’t you?

Maybe I’d been in denial. I remember picturing Santa as a kindly grandfather type, one who never yelled or scared children. He was big enough to be a good hugger and I imagined it would be comforting to sit on his lap if I was sad. I imagined him to be a protector for me, a buffer between my parents and me. Their anger terrified me but I wouldn't be so scared with Santa there. I remember feeling disappointed that there wasn’t a Santa after all.

Going on a different track for just a moment, I didn't see Jesus the same way I saw Santa. I'm not sure if it's all physical (jolly fat Santa and tall, thin, persecuted Jesus) or if it's all spiritual. It just seemed to me that Jesus had more important things to do than to worry about me. By then, we'd pretty much stopped going to church so there was no one to tell me differently.

Meanwhile, back to the North Pole -- I remembered how betrayed I felt so I didn’t push the Santa Claus story too heavily on my kids. We left the cookies and milk for Santa and some carrots for the reindeer on Christmas Eve. We read The Night Before Christmas and we visited Santa at the mall. Other than that, the only thing I told the kids was that Santa got the idea about giving presents because Christmas was Jesus’ birthday. The wise men brought gifts to Jesus and Santa liked the idea of giving presents. I also told them that there was a Santa Claus in every country … he had all different names.

When Heidi was about 5, she asked me if there was a Santa. I asked her if she wanted the truth and she said yes. So I told her that Santa wasn’t really a person anymore and that people all over the world acted for him when they gave presents to each other.

Heidi was mad at me for telling her and I was taken aback. “You said you wanted to know!” I said.

She said fiercely, “Yeah, but I didn’t want to know that part!”

I felt kind of guilty for spoiling the myth for her. It wasn't until recently that Heidi told me she thought Santa was kind of an old pervert. I was very surprised and asked her why she thought that. She answered something like, "Think about it, Mom! This is an old guy that breaks into people's houses and leaves presents!"

Ah well. So it goes. I don't know who originally wrote this. I sent this around to family today:

Why is Jesus better than Santa Claus?

Santa lives at the North Pole ...

JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh ...

JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year ...

JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...

JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...

JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters

your heart when invited.

You have to wait in line to see Santa ...

JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap ...

JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is

"Hi little boy or girl, what's your name?" ...

JESUS knew our name before we were born.

Not only does He know our name,

He knows our address too.

He knows our history and future and

He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...

JESUS has a heart full of love

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...

JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry" ...

JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."

Santa's little helpers make toys ...

JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs

broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but ...

JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...

JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.... The cross.

We need to put Christ back in CHRISTmas,

Jesus is still the reason for the season.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only

begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not

perish, but have everlasting life.

John 3:16

Which "A Christmas Story" character are you?

You are Mrs. Parker! Incredibly loving and caring
and always trying to do the best thing for
yourself and your loved ones


Which A Christmas Story Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Making Tough Decisions

Clarissa invited Kristin to come over to her house on Christmas morning. Remembering that I told her I didn’t want her going into that house, she said she couldn’t. Christmas is for families, she explained. Clarissa didn’t seem to get that (no wonder) and finally Kristin said something like my mom said I can’t. That was absolutely the right thing to do because I’d rather get blamed for being a hard-nosed Mom than to put the kids in an uncomfortable situation. Clarissa began to cry but she didn’t blame Kristin. She blamed me and that’s how I want it.

The kids are getting to the age now where they are going to have to make some tough choices and decisions. Sometimes they’ll go against our advice and other times they’ll go against the advice of friends. I just want them to be able to see clearly what is in their best interest and what is not. I would not want the girls to end up with controlling boyfriends who provide nothing in the way of emotional support. I don’t want Billy to end up with someone who only wants whatever money he makes.

When I was an interpreter, I saw several sad relationships between the students. I remember one especially. The boy was the school basketball star; she was a cheerleader. Seems ideal. However, he’d knock her books to the ground, shove her and actually hit her in front of everyone in the cafeteria. She didn’t want to break up with him though. I think she believed she couldn’t find anyone “better”.

When I shared an apartment with my cousin on Long Island, our neighbors were a military guy, his German-born wife, and young son. I can’t remember how many Fridays Anne and I would hear him beating her. We would call the police and they would come and break it up, but the woman – Petra – would never press charges and she wouldn’t leave him.

And then there is my mother.

I don’t understand how women can live like that. Why do some women think so little of themselves that they would allow themselves to be treated so shabbily? I mean, why do women stay with men that beat them? Or neglect them? Why would a woman stay with a man that puts everything else before her in priority?

I just don’t get it.

Is it something we're taught? I'm saying 'we' because it's mostly us women that are abused. I wonder, if I'd allowed myself to get into a serious relationship when I was really young, if something similar happened to me. I got a lot from counseling. I've not been abused because I would not allow it. I am hoping that my kids learn that they are worthy and they're not doormats to be used by other people.

Christmas is coming and if I had the ability to do it, the gift I would give to women I love is a high dose of self-esteem. It would be replenishing so that when the level drops then they would just need to take a breath to recover and then they’d be renewed. It really hurts to see another suffering the way my mother did or the way Petra did or that cheerleader. I would like to do that for them long before they get trapped into a long-standing relationship. Once that happens, it’s really hard to bring about change. I feel so sad.

Monday Madness:

All you have to do for this week's questions is put a number (1-10) as your answer; 1 being worse or lowest, 10 being best or highest. Let's have some fun! The following questions all begin with...

On a scale from one to ten.........

1. How proficient are you in typing? 9

2. How well-organized are you? 5

3. How adventurous are you? 7

4. How cool is the outfit that you're wearing right now? 1

5. How well do you sing in the shower? 8

6. How cool do your kids think you are? 9

7. How well do you manage your money? 4

8. How efficient are you when it comes to meeting deadlines? 2

9. How much do you like winter? 8

10. How big of a 'pack-rat' are you? 8

Why Am I Not Surprised?

I wasn't really thinking of Maine when I took this quiz. But for someone who is a fan of Stephen King and Dark Shadows, I am not surprised that it turned up!

Maine is your state. It's pretty and nice and
quiet and not crowded. I love Maine, so do
you.


What State Is Perfect For You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Cats & Christmas Trees

Cats and Christmas trees don't mix.

Billy put the tree together very carefully. He has a lot of patience for things he's interested in. He was very methodical in his work. He'd fit the branches into the "trunk" of the tree and then he'd carefully move the branches so that it looked like a real, full Christmas tree.

We can pretty much keep an eye on Buddy. He's really curious about the tree and would love to get his paws on it and his teeth into it. When he sits with us, though, he'll be on a leash and won't be able to satisfy his curiosity.

The cats present a different problem. We wouldn't want to kennel Amber and Mouse overnight, but that means giving them free access to the tree.

Having an artificial tree is a little easier. Amber and Mouse go around the base of the tree, investigating, but there's no place for them to climb. The biggest danger to knocking the tree over might be when one of them tries to jump up to the window to look out. The tree is directly in front of that window and we really can't move it because our house is now full with "stuff".

The other problem comes when we put the ornaments up. The cats will be attracted to the balls and the dangling ornaments. Every morning, we'll wake up to find the ornaments from the lower branches all over the floor. If it rolls, we can be sure Amber will bat it around the room.

Having a real tree was more difficult to maintain. Years ago I was Kushna's pet. She was a tabbycat who loved to eat tinsel. I should have figured it out and just kept the tinsel off the tree. It looked really pretty to me but would invariably, strands of it would end up in the litterbox. Yuck.

When we lived in Maryland, we had a tuxedo kitty named Paddywack. She liked to climb the tree. We never knew what we'd find on the floor in the morning. One morning, it was the whole tree. That was a big mess! Not only did we have water soaking into our carpet we also had pine needles and ornaments all over the room.

That tree was never the same. The next morning, we found in on the floor again. We ended up tying the tree to the overhead heating vent. It probably wasn't so good for the tree but it was better than cleaning it up every morning!

With winter fast approaching, how do you feel about snow?

I love snow! In fact, it's snowing now. Some places are supposed to get almost two feet of snow. I'm not sure how much we'll get. I've heard anywhere from 4 inches up to 18. We have enough food, enough water, and enough toilet tissue to last through a weekend snow-in. I'm set!

Heidi and Kristin are both invited to birthday parties today ... but they're not gonna happen! If the parents didn't have the good sense to call it off, then I would just because it's not a good idea to get out on the road.

It's a perfect day to decorate the tree and watch some Christmas movies! It's a great day for hot chocolate and cookies ... except I don't really have cookie makings. :( Oh well...

Heidi's going to watch A Muppet Christmas Carol and so I'll update again later! I'm like a little kid when it comes to watching Christmas movies! :)

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow

I always enjoyed this song, especially when it was sung by Dean Martin. It's a cute, playful song about two people in love. Isn't it true that the snow is more beautiful and appealing when you are with someone you love? I have found that to be the case! I am loving the snow and the Christmas music this year, even more than last year cuz TB is home with me.

We had our first snow of the season today. We didn't get a lot of snow. It was snowball snow, meaning it was wet and heavy, big fat flakes. This kind of snow is perfect for making snowballs and snowmen.

Apparently the weight of the snow was too heavy for the power lines ... or maybe a car hit a pole on the slippery streets. Whatever the case, the power went out in the kids' schools. We were blissfully clueless until Billy called and asked if we would come and pick him up. Just sitting around, he complained, was a waste of his time.

What a kid!

I had to smile at his audacity. I guess he is enough of an adult not to want to goof off during an unexpected break.

In any case, though, we told him to stick it out and if the power stayed off maybe the school would close and the bus would bring him home. He wasn't a happy camper.

Luckily, the power came back on and school continued. We picked Heidi up around lunch time to take her for her allergy shot. She was feeling pretty cheerful. We stopped and had McDonald's and after the shot, we did a little shopping.

When we got home, she went upstairs and that's when the changeling climbed in the window. I don't know where Heidi went to but when we called her to have her set the table, the growling, surly, angry creature that appeared did not resemble the kid who went upstairs.

"What's wrong?" I asked her.

She screamed: "Just leave me alone!"

Maybe it's that time of the month? I have no clue what happened. Anyway, she is upstairs now.

Billy brought all the Christmas boxes down and is putting the tree together.

Kristin was supposed to go to a dance at her school but it was called off because of the approaching storm.

Supposedly there is another snow storm headed our way, a nor'easter. I'm not sure how much snow we're supposed to get. I guess it depends on which way the storm blows.

The New Neighbors Part V

In the continuing saga of the family in the pink house, it seems that one of TB's "adopted" daughters recognized the family I've been writing about and it ain't good.

She and Mike have taken some classes -- well, at least one class anyway -- together and he sent her inappropriate emails. They are inappropriate because he says he loves this adopted daughter and has an idea about what he'd like to do to express that love.

Ugh.

It's inappropriate not only because it's disgusting to send email like that to someone you barely now but also because Mike is supposedly married to Terry.

Heidi says that when the kids got off the bus yesterday, Clarissa begged Kristin to walk home with her and that's when the craziness started. I told Kristin that I did not want her going home with Clarissa anymore. I gave her an out ... if Clarissa asks why not, she's to say Because my Mom told me so and then let Terry ask me what's going on ... if she hasn't figured it out.

Ick ick ick and more ick!

Which Character Are You Quiz

You're Mary Bailey.


What It's a Wonderful Life Character Are You?
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New Neighbors IV (Ad Nauseum)

A pattern is developing with our new neighbors. We don’t hear from them for the first few days of the week … Monday to Wednesday and sometimes Thursday. Once it’s the weekend, though, the phone calls and messages begin. Today Clarissa and Kristin burst into the house, all excited and chattering. Clarissa’s mother needed to go to DMV and needed me to watch the kids.

I said no, I can’t. I had to go to the dollar store and the library with my kids. I was planning on taking them around 4:30, after TB leaves for his CAD class. Well, you’d think it was a national emergency the way Clarissa was carrying on. So I finally said, well, I guess you could ask Heidi. So before I could say another single word, Clarissa’s flying up the stairs calling for Heidi.

Heidi, startled, apparently said, “I guess so” or something like that because next thing I know, the kids are running down the stairs and out the door. Heidi comes into the family room and asks if I know what’s going on. Already I can feel my whole body tensing up. I’m getting pissed. I told her what was up and that I wasn’t sure she’d get paid if she did this and it really was impossible …

The two girls come barreling back in the door.

Now, meantime, this is not the only thing going on. Just before their first appearance, TB was on the phone with his mother … or he was trying to be. Billy and Heidi began having an argument about leftover chili and they got louder and louder. So TB had to move to his office to be able to hear his mother.

He came back out to tell me about the call when the girls burst in again. They were very excited and bubbling over, yes, it was just fine, so the three of them (Heidi, Kristin & Clarissa) would watch all the sibbies here. “No, not okay!” I said. Really, this was too much! “You all need to stay over there!” And meantime there was the whole issue of Heidi getting paid and generally inconveniencing all of us.

I tried to call Terry over the phone but the line was busy (of course). So Billy volunteered to go down and give her the message.

He came back within a few minutes and said everything was cleared up. Terry was just going to take all the kids to the DMV with her. She couldn’t have a sitter because they’re living in a “transition” house. Oh, good, does that mean they won’t be staying much longer?

That’s a horrible thing to say and I know it, but I would feel this way with anyone who’d behave like this. Why would someone wait until the very last minute to ask for a sitter and then assume we must have NO other plans and that it’s okay to just drop the kids off? ARRRRRRGH!

Kristin became really upset after Billy came back. “I know why they’re doing this!” she said to me. She was practically in tears.

Clarissa had been raped, that was why.

I went cold all over but then I got angry. I said sometimes people tell fibs to try and get other people to feel bad for them and to help. I had in mind the infamous Jon of Survivor who lied about his grandmother. He had a preplanned hoax set up in which his buddy came to the island and said, “Your grandma’s dead, dude.” Or something like that.

Kristin got mad. She insisted that Clarissa was not lying because even Terry said Clarissa had been raped.

The other thing about this that made me angry was, why would Terry bring this up? What did a rape have to do with watching 6 kids so she could go to DMV?

I smell a rat here.

If I ever speak to Terry again, I’m going to tell her:

1. I’m not babysitting kids…and if she can’t have Heidi to her house to sit then we aren’t going to sit her kids
2. Please give us some notice when asking for a favor, including money. Please don’t assume that we’re ready, willing, and able to help whenever she decides to call
3. Pay me back my ten bucks!

Some of this is my fault, I know. I am sure I probably said things like “Call us if you ever need help” which is like an open invitation to some people to make some real pests of themselves … and to make me feel guilty for not dropping everything I’m doing to jump for them.

GRRRRR. I am very frustrated!

My Wish List

Write about your Christmas (Hannukkah, Kwanzaa, Yule)holiday wish.

Not too long ago, I answered a prompt similar to this one. I was supposed to list the things I wanted from Santa and I answered that the things that I want are intangibles. Then I went on to say that for my kids sakes, I would want this or that and they could get me something.

I basically have what I want. I guess I want to take the view that my life is my Christmas gift and I love it.

TB is a gentle, loving man and he treats me like I was a queen. I feel loved and safe, very secure. He knows that I love him, too, so it’s like we’re handing a gift box back and forth.

There are my kids. They give me a pain in the heinie sometimes but I love them. They are the best kids anyone could ever have.

Beyond that, we have a nice home. We have adorable pets. Our extended family are basically in good health. Everyone’s got health issues and some are more serious than others.

I have the memory of my life with Rich.

When people try to pin me down on what I want for Christmas, I have a really hard time thinking up a list. I have what I want. Then I heard this song:

In a way, the lyrics say what I would want for all of us. It would be so wonderful to have a world without war, where no one hated another so much that killing seemed justified. A world like that would be boring? No, I don’t think so. If people could just learn to agree to disagree, there could be lively debates but no one would feel compelled to start a war to convince someone that their opinion is the right one.

I think back to the school playgrounds when I was a kid. If you fit in, life was great. Either you were the center of attention or you got included in everything. But if you were the kid standing alone by the fence, life isn’t so great. Maybe you can’t play well. Maybe you’re new to the school, or fat, or whatever. It hurts to be left out. It hurts to be alone. Well, if everyone had a friend then no one would get left out. Even if just two people were friends, they’d neither of them be alone.

It makes me sick when people do bad things and get away with it. A long time ago, I realized that the good guy doesn’t always win. Sometimes the bad guy wins and there is not a blessed thing you can do about it. Like … I am convinced that O.J. Simpson got away with murder. Scott Peterson is trying to get away with murder. I would like to see a world where there was justice for the victims without sacrificing the rights of the accused.

The other night, I saw an episode of a TV program called Cold Case. It’s a new show and it’s about a police woman who investigates old crime cases. Well, this particular episode was about the mysterious attack on a welfare mother and her young daughter. They were pushed through the bedroom windows of their apartment and fell a couple of stories to the ground below. The mother lived and was in a coma … and then she woke up.

The police woman had a bunch of facts and witnesses that were all like puzzle pieces. Once they were fit together properly, it turned out that the mother was distraught and felt trapped by her situation and her dependence on the caseworker, who turned out to be a child molester interested in the daughter. The caseworker was able to abuse the young daughters of other women because they all felt too helpless to fight. If they fought, their benefits would be cut off. It was terrible and a TV example of the good guy doesn’t always win.

I would love a world in which people treated each other fairly and with respect.

I think that love has its own special kind of energy. I don’t think love disappears just because someone dies. That love changes to something else on a different plane. Maybe it recycles and returns to earth. It doesn’t matter. I think love does go on forever. I think the trouble is that people are not always open for it. It’s there.

I do believe that time will heal a broken heart one way or the other. Sometimes the wound heals cleanly. Other times, there is a nasty looking scar or maybe it’s only healed half-way. One time TB and I were talking about it and it seems when our spouses died, our hearts were torn in two. A scar formed around our amputated hearts and when we met each other, a new heart half began to grow. I wish that everyone would heal like that.

And so the song is my grown up Christmas wish list.

From Yesterday ...

I can’t remember everything I wrote yesterday about an article I read online called Dying of a Broken Heart. I do remember some of it.

I remember when Johnny Cash died in September. I wasn’t terribly surprised. June Carter Cash, his wife, died of surgical complications in May. Johnny Cash had health problems, too, and had been very close to his wife. I didn’t think he’d last long without her.

I’m not sure why some people give up after a loved one dies and why some are able to go on. Does it have to do with the number of years people are together? Or their dispositions? Or … what?

My favorite uncle, John (my dad’s older brother) died just a few months after Grandma Molly. He’d never married and lived in the same Bronx apartment with his parents his whole life. My grandfather was blind for most of his adult life and Grandma Molly cared for him until she had all those strokes. No one would tell me how Uncle Johnny died. I was about 10 or 11. Finally, my mother said he died of a “broken heart”. He just missed Grandma Molly too much.

My Aunt Betty is waiting to die. My Uncle Bob died in 1999 after cancer spread throughout his body. They'd been married almost 50 years.

My aunt's become withdrawn and very dependent on my cousins to shop for her and take her places. She doesn't want to see her old friends anymore and it takes a lot of coaxing to get her to go outside the house. I am not critical of her. She's 75 years old now and has a lot of health issues. I don’t think she’s especially happy but she’s not going to do anything about it.

She could go live with my cousin Edith in Georgia. She could go live with my mother and father, they’re all deaf and there’s a deaf couple in the block. It would be great but she just says no no no. I think another reason is that she's been pretty passive all these years. Bob did everything for her, and now she's depending on my adult cousins to help her. It’s sad.

My Aunt Joyce is totally different. My Uncle John (my mom’s older brother this time) died from prostate cancer a couple of months before Uncle Bob did. He and my aunt married in 1941, just before he was going into the Navy. So they were together almost 60 years. She goes to church and participates on the different committees. She travels on holidays. She seems to have learned to live with her loss and has moved on.

‘Moved on’ sounds like a cold expression but it’s not. I know I made a conscious decision to survive Rich’s death and go on with my life. I remember thinking it. I remember making appointments to see doctors for physicals and screening tests recommended for women. Part of it was because of our children but another larger part was for me. The deep depression, stark loneliness and the profound sadness could have stopped me in my tracks. I think my decision to go on was, in a way, honoring the love I had for Rich. He didn't want me to grieve and stay stuck for years. I believe, too, that he and Audrey helped bring TB and me together. If I hadn't made that decision to continue living for myself and my kids, I don't think I would have met TB.

And what a loss that would have been for us both. He decided he was going to go on, too, and to live again. One of the precious gifts out of all this is that we've learned not to take each other and happiness for granted.

Wednesday Whatevers

1. How much do you typically spend during the holiday season?

I don’t spend nearly as much during the holiday season as I used to. There were lots of people on the gift-giving list and we’d buy lots of baking ingredients to make all sorts of yummies. In the last couple of years, though, my gift giving list shrunk considerably. Because of my weight issues, I don’t make as many goodies as I used to either. So now I would guess and say total: $500.

2. What do you think is a symbol of power?

There are lots of things but I would say for me, personally, having my own car is a symbol of power. I don’t have to depend on anyone for a ride. I can get in the car, start it up, and I’m free to go where I like. Maybe the bottom line is having independence is a symbol of power. It really makes a big difference if you have to depend on someone else for a ride.

3. Do you try to analyze dreams, or regard them as just dreams?

I used to try and remember my dreams. I never was interested in analyzing them because they’re just too difficult. I had a couple of dreams that I understood immediately but sometimes they are just too weird.

I Hate When This Happens ...

For the last hour, I was busily typing up an entry, very thoughtful, very moving. It was about an article I'd read about "dying of a broken heart". It's a very real phenomenon. Anyway, I was proofreading it and accidentally closed the window. With the internet, what you typed is not recoverable. Once I closed that window, my little essay went where the light goes when you turn out the light.

Rats.

I could probably reconstruct the whole thing but it's kind of late and I think I'll just let it be for now.

The main point I wanted to make was that I felt I'd made a deliberate choice to live after Rich died. All of a sudden, I got myself to the doctor and had check-ups and all those screening tests that are recommended for women my age.

TB did the same after his Audrey passed. Well, no, he didn't have the screening tests for women but he's become more active in taking care of his own health.

Both Rich and Audrey didn't want us to spend the rest of our lives grieving. I believe they helped bring us together. We would not waste such a wonderful gift.

So if I remember anything else, I'll add it tomorrow. :P