I've been watching Dr. Phil for the last couple of years. The man is arrogant but he does know his stuff and he's had a lot of helpful shows about parenting. One thing I've heard him say over and over is that if parents fight in front of their kids and if parents are abusive toward the kids, the young ones are changed forever. It makes a lot of sense. Looking back at my own life, I think I can find several places where I was "changed".
As I've listened to some of these families speak, I wondered and worried about what kind of parent I was when my kids were little. I remember being angry a lot--not necessarily at them. I remember Rich and I yelled at each other a lot--and in front of the kids. How had that changed them? It's a scary thought, it really is! I saw enough of these books that I decided I wanted to look into it some more. So now I'm reading the book Dr. Phil was peddling last year Family First and in it, he says that even the most dysfunctional family can become what he calls "phenomenal".
That's hopeful!
Some years ago, I remember reading a poem that had a big impact on me but I don't think I had the tools to make the changes I needed to make. Rich and I talked about that poem a lot, particularly in view of the fact that he felt he'd grown up with heavy duty criticism. He was having a hard time clapping his hand over his mouth and not doing the same thing to our son! In fact, I think that's a sort of "curse" we all suffer from--being like our parents.
"Oh, I'll never do that, I won't say and do what my mother/father did."
And then when we have kids, we're horrified to hear the words we dreaded coming right out of our own mouths!
Back to the poem:
If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
he learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
he learns to find love in the world.
Author: Dorothy Law Nolte
I'm at that portion of Dr. Phil's book where there are exercises to complete. He suggests keeping a private journal to do this part and maybe for some of it that would be a good idea. But if Billy, Heidi & Kristin read my blog I'd like them to see the positive points to their grandparents so some of it I figured could be public.
Here goes...
The best qualities of my mother are: her love for me and my brother even if she didn't always know how to express it; a great cook! She also was very artistic and I'm really sorry that she gave that up. I'm sure that Heidi and Kristin inherited some of their abilities from her.
The best qualities of my father are: his undying love for my mother in spite of everything, his love for my brother and me even though he didn't know how to express it always, being a good provider and a hard worker so that we always were fed, clothed & warm, and strong feelings of family ties.
What I love most about my mother: the courage she doesn't realize she has. It took some guts for her to put her foot down in deaf school, complain "you're not teaching me anything" and then going out and teaching herself the skills she needed
What I love most about my father: his strong family loyalty
My mother showed her love for me by: trying to do her best to make sure I was educated about the facts of life. Now, she was too embarrassed to talk to me personally and so she bought books and left them out for me to read.
My father showed his love for me by: giving me the freedom to make decisions for myself and not getting all critical about it or calling me "stupid" or other names.
My parents both showed their love by: showing up at functions like school plays and concerts. They could not hear, there were no interpreters and so they'd sit there patiently for a couple of hours, probably bored to tears, to be supportive of my interests!
Okay...enough for now!
Posted by Cassie at February 20, 2006 07:10 PM | TrackBackDr. Phil is a sham, he has successfully cobbled together lots of good sounding stuff from other experts, presenting it as some sort of discovery he has made himself. I picture him doing internet searches before each show to figure out what to say. There are many more qualified child/family experts out there who didn't get lucky enough to land on the Oprah show. But that's show business, eh? Even the exercises in his book are reworked from other sources. I am glad, however, that you find them useful. Just don't think he thought them up all by himself.
On the plus side, I love that poem, have had it hanging in my house since my children were born (they are now in their 20s) and think it pretty much sums up the best advice for any parent. Today, when I hear my grown children say stuff like, well, my mom did things this way or that way, and when I have kids I'm doing the same - I'm just grateful to Dorothy Law Nolte.