Scribblings

Let It Go

All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of the handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair. Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet In Heaven

Wow. That's one of the most powerful things I've ever read and it took my breath away because I know it's true. Parents don't set out to hurt their kids, of course they don't -- not unless they're deranged or something. Parents hurt their kids even though their intentions are good and also because they're not perfect. Kids don't understand that.

Parents are like God -- they know everything, they're everywhere, and they're supposed to keep their kids safe and loved. That's what little kids think. The thing is, parents are not God because they make mistakes ... lots of them.

When I was about eight, I remember being in the house and suddenly realizing that hey, eventually I was going to die! My parents were going to die! I would grow up, go away to college and not live with my parents anymore. I was scared to death. I guess I had a bit of a panic attack and ran from the house, looking for my mom.

She was outside watering the garden and I ran to her, grabbing her like I was some kind of burr. She's deaf and I never learned to sign as a child so it took a few minutes for me to get through to her what was wrong. "I don't want to go to college and leave you!" I told her frantically. She gave me this exasperated look, shook me off impatiently and said, "Stop being so stupid." I was totally crushed, thinking she didn't care if we were parted forever.

A few years later, she confided to me that she'd never wanted to have children but my father wanted them so ... and I thought, my God, why would you tell me that? I was about 17 then I guess.

When I was a young adult, I was very angry with my parents. I felt they'd deprived me of a happy childhood by exposing me to their marital problems and the ugliness of drinking and wife beating and jealousy and gambling and selfishness. Many times I just wanted to put them out of my life, especially after Rich had heart surgery and my parents gave us such a hard time about watching Billy. Rich was recuperating in the hospital and I was going to visit him ... and my mom accused, "your father says you are taking advantage of us." I about died. How many times had I given up what I wanted to do to help them? So, fine, we'd get along without them...and so we wouldn't go see them nor allow them to come see us until after Kristin was born.

Then there was another babysitting scene and that did it. Rich wanted nothing more to do with my parents. I think I took the kids to see them a couple of times but not very often. We moved to NY in 1999 without seeing them first.

At that time, I felt sort of self-righteous. What did they expect after all was said and done? Oma tried to mediate, especially with Rich, and she'd say, "after all, they ARE Cassie's parents."

So? Does being biologically related mean you have to let yourself be abused?

No ... but it doesn't mean we had to hold onto all that bitterness either. I think it did us a lot of harm.

Now I look back at the way my parents behaved and I'm not excusing it by any means. I'm just thinking. My grandfather abused my grandmother and my mom saw it on a regular basis. My mom saw my grandmother was powerless. Then my mom and her sister were sent to a school for the deaf in NYC ... a bunch of little kids who couldn't understand what their teachers were mouthing to them hour after hour. What did she learn there? What did she miss not being at home around her family? My mom told me that I was sent home from the hospital on Christmas Eve. My mom felt totally lost. She had no idea how to take care of a baby and because of the holidays, everyone was too busy to help her. Boy, I'll bet she had some panic attacks!

So ... she didn't learn how to manage her anxiety or her anger. She didn't really know how to parent and what appropriate boundaries might be. She'd become impatient and frustrated and lash out. Or she'd talk to me when I was a teenager about how unhappy she was in her marriage. She said she had no one else to talk to.

Now I see it as if for the first time: she didn't mean to do it. None of us are Jesus or God. We're all going to have times of ignorance and impatience and depression and anger and a whole lot of other things. We're all going to hurt our kids somehow -- and many times never realize we're doing it.

I think about what I may have said or done to my kids when I was tired or impatient. I never told them I didn't want them ...

I think how ironic it is that now Linda is mad at us and won't let us see Tomas. I think, what a shame for all that anger to keep grandparent and grandchild away from each other ... and that's why I used to take the kids to see my parents on days I felt I could stand it. I feel bad about it now but I think, well, at least I didn't totally deprive them of each other. :P

And the answer to the hurt and anger is ... let it go.