Scribblings

From Yesterday ...

I can?t remember everything I wrote yesterday about an article I read online called Dying of a Broken Heart. I do remember some of it.

I remember when Johnny Cash died in September. I wasn?t terribly surprised. June Carter Cash, his wife, died of surgical complications in May. Johnny Cash had health problems, too, and had been very close to his wife. I didn?t think he?d last long without her.

I?m not sure why some people give up after a loved one dies and why some are able to go on. Does it have to do with the number of years people are together? Or their dispositions? Or ? what?

My favorite uncle, John (my dad?s older brother) died just a few months after Grandma Molly. He?d never married and lived in the same Bronx apartment with his parents his whole life. My grandfather was blind for most of his adult life and Grandma Molly cared for him until she had all those strokes. No one would tell me how Uncle Johnny died. I was about 10 or 11. Finally, my mother said he died of a ?broken heart?. He just missed Grandma Molly too much.

My Aunt Betty is waiting to die. My Uncle Bob died in 1999 after cancer spread throughout his body. They'd been married almost 50 years.

My aunt's become withdrawn and very dependent on my cousins to shop for her and take her places. She doesn't want to see her old friends anymore and it takes a lot of coaxing to get her to go outside the house. I am not critical of her. She's 75 years old now and has a lot of health issues. I don?t think she?s especially happy but she?s not going to do anything about it.

She could go live with my cousin Edith in Georgia. She could go live with my mother and father, they?re all deaf and there?s a deaf couple in the block. It would be great but she just says no no no. I think another reason is that she's been pretty passive all these years. Bob did everything for her, and now she's depending on my adult cousins to help her. It?s sad.

My Aunt Joyce is totally different. My Uncle John (my mom?s older brother this time) died from prostate cancer a couple of months before Uncle Bob did. He and my aunt married in 1941, just before he was going into the Navy. So they were together almost 60 years. She goes to church and participates on the different committees. She travels on holidays. She seems to have learned to live with her loss and has moved on.

?Moved on? sounds like a cold expression but it?s not. I know I made a conscious decision to survive Rich?s death and go on with my life. I remember thinking it. I remember making appointments to see doctors for physicals and screening tests recommended for women. Part of it was because of our children but another larger part was for me. The deep depression, stark loneliness and the profound sadness could have stopped me in my tracks. I think my decision to go on was, in a way, honoring the love I had for Rich. He didn't want me to grieve and stay stuck for years. I believe, too, that he and Audrey helped bring TB and me together. If I hadn't made that decision to continue living for myself and my kids, I don't think I would have met TB.

And what a loss that would have been for us both. He decided he was going to go on, too, and to live again. One of the precious gifts out of all this is that we've learned not to take each other and happiness for granted.

Wednesday Whatevers

1. How much do you typically spend during the holiday season?

I don?t spend nearly as much during the holiday season as I used to. There were lots of people on the gift-giving list and we?d buy lots of baking ingredients to make all sorts of yummies. In the last couple of years, though, my gift giving list shrunk considerably. Because of my weight issues, I don?t make as many goodies as I used to either. So now I would guess and say total: $500.

2. What do you think is a symbol of power?

There are lots of things but I would say for me, personally, having my own car is a symbol of power. I don?t have to depend on anyone for a ride. I can get in the car, start it up, and I?m free to go where I like. Maybe the bottom line is having independence is a symbol of power. It really makes a big difference if you have to depend on someone else for a ride.

3. Do you try to analyze dreams, or regard them as just dreams?

I used to try and remember my dreams. I never was interested in analyzing them because they?re just too difficult. I had a couple of dreams that I understood immediately but sometimes they are just too weird.