Scribblings

A Circle of Words

Circle of Words:

1. Children grow up, parents pass on, siblings move far away. Friends are always there no matter how near or far. Who are your best friends? What role do your friends play in your life? In what ways do you think you add to your friends lives?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our friends were always there! I’ve left many of my friends in other places. I think that happens a lot … or I’d like to think that. When you move away, you can stay in touch with your friends for years and years. As you make new friends, though, in the new places I’ve found that some friendships dissolve. That’s been a pattern for me, anyway. I think that deep down, these people are still my friends. We just don’t know each other very well anymore and that’s sad.

Right now, my best friend is my dh, TB. I love him and trust him. We think on almost the same level, share the same interests and values so it’s very easy to talk with him. I feel that I could trust him with my life and all of my secrets. That says a lot.

I have other good friends too. There’s Robin on Long Island. I’ve “known” her for oh, maybe almost 10 years? Maybe not that long, I’m not sure. I “met” Robin online. Both of us were on the same Dark Shadows lists and our friendly exchanges soon became friendlier and closer. When we moved to Long Island, I was so thrilled because Robin would be just a few minutes away.

There is Dawn, another dear friend I “met” online. Who would drive from Rensselaer, NY (waaaaay upstate) all the way to Long Island for the funeral of a friend’s husband … one she’d never met! Well, she and her husband did just that after my first husband, Rich, died suddenly.

Elfie in Austria is my sister of choice. I don’t really have a sister, but we get along just like we really are. I met her online too. We had so many interests in common that our friendship grew way beyond the limits of Falcon Crest. Elfie flew to the States to visit me after Rich died. She was to have come this year, too, to met TB and stay with us. At the last minute, though, she had to have surgery and had to cancel her trip. She has been in and out of the hospital and I’ve been worrying about her.

Nancy in Pittsburgh is a close friend. We were writing on the same online fanfiction continuation of the old classic soap Falcon Crest. She and her husband Jeff were wonderful after Rich died. She and Elfie both called me frequently. I would call Jeff whenever my computer balked and he’d spend a long time patiently trying to help me fix it. When I met Ted, they were so supportive! Jeff, Nancy and their little daughter Emily drove from Pittsburgh to New Jersey for our wedding … and we’d never met face-to-face before.

My friends, online and off, are my “family of choice”. They give me support and encouragement, they give me themselves, their wisdom, their love, their compassion and my life is richer because of them. I think I would not have gotten through that terrible year after Rich died if it hadn’t been for my friends.
I would like to think that I give back to my friends a piece of myself. I would like to think that I am supportive and loving too. Love is the gift that goes on giving. That is a well that never runs dry while someone is there to refill it. So my friends refill my well of love … and I am able to share mine and help fill their wells too.

2. How do you treat strangers? Are you kind and courteous to cashiers, store attendants, or waiters and waitresses? How do you think you come across to people who don't know you? How do strangers generally treat you?

I learned to treat other people the way I’d want to be treated. Most of the time, I would like to think that I’m kind and courteous to people I don’t know. Once in a while, though, something pushes one of my hot buttons and then I’m not nice. I don’t like it when that happens because I feel frustrated and angry not only about the problem that sparked it but because I become rude. I don’t like that.
Luckily, that sort of thing happens only when I go to the NJ Department of Motor Vehicles. There’s not many other strangers who can freak me out like the DMV can.

So … except for the sadistic and/or moronic employees at DMV, I would like to think that I come across as a nice person to strangers. It’s nice to get positive feedback. When I used to be a certified sign language interpreter for the deaf I found out that student interpreters would ask to work with me because my feedback was presented in a positive way. Other experienced interpreters just totally crushed their spirits by saying things like, “You can never be an interpreter.” And I always wanted to find something positive in what the student signed, even if they were just a niche above terrible. The thing is, if you don’t crush someone, if you put “you need more work” in a positive frame then they are encouraged and will keep trying and learning.

Strangers are usually pretty nice to me. That’s another reason to be nice … smiles really are contagious!

3. The holidays tend to bring many distant friends or family members together.. Do you have friends/family members that you don't see all that often until the holidays come? Do you have family/friends that visit from out of town? Do you travel out of town for the holidays? Do you enjoy the family gatherings that the holidays bring or do you dread them every year?

When I was a child, I loved family gatherings for the holidays. We all got together at my grandmother’s house. She’s pull all the leaves out on the table so that all of us could fit around it. When I was really little, everyone fit nicely. As we got older and the family grew and grew, we realized everyone wouldn’t fit in Grandma’s house anymore and so we split up.

My mom and my Aunt Betty were the only two deaf members of the family and so they began to have dinner at my aunt’s house. Grandma would take turns visiting three uncles and my aunt. I remember the adults would sit around the big table and us kids would sit at a card table. It was wonderful to have a whole table to ourselves!

When we moved to Maryland, holiday dinners weren’t much fun anymore. One year we traveled up to the city (New York, I mean) to visit my dad’s side of the family and also, hopefully, to see the show at Rockefeller Center. Unfortunately, my mother started running a fever almost as soon as we checked in. We tried to visit some of my cousins but ended up going home to Baltimore when my mom started puking. No Christmas gathering, no Rockefeller Center, no church service, no Christmas tree, no special dinner, no cousins. I don’t blame my mother at all but Christmas just sucked that year.

I had a few cousins scattered around Maryland and we’d go visit them from time to time on Thanksgiving. I can’t remember any other time we went up to NY for Thanksgiving or Christmas, and I can’t remember a time when family came to us. Sometimes my parents’ friends would come over for a holiday dinner. One Thanksgiving, it was Frank, one of my parents best friends. He’d come to Maryland alone to find work as a printer and his wife hadn’t joined him yet.
We should have had a great time but I remember that my parents were drinking heavily and had this knock down, drag out fight. When Frank arrived, though, they went through this miraculous change. It was like nothing happened. I sat there pretending everything was fine too, but inside I was just a writhing mass of feelings.

Unfortunately, drinking spoiled a lot of holiday dinners. My dad’s side of the family was especially renown for fights during holiday gatherings. Husbands would try to punch out wives, brother vs. brother, and parent v. child. It could get quite messy!

Once I married, though, I began to see and enjoy the type of family gatherings I’d experienced as a child. We’d travel up to Long Island for the holidays and it was always wonderful to see family-in-law relatives. Unfortunately we were able to gather there for just a few years. Then the heavy traffic kept us from going and we developed our own little holiday traditions … just the five of us.

2001 was the year from hell. I thought I could manage that first Christmas after losing Rich but I plummeted into depression. Before I went completely under, I drove the kids and me to his father’s house. It was a bittersweet holiday gathering there. Alberta’s grown daughter and her husband came to visit. We did some Christmas caroling too and so it was a very nice holiday but … difficult emotionally.

Last year, I totally enjoyed our family gatherings. We hosted Thanksgiving here and we had almost 20 people. It didn’t seem crowded and the food and the company were superb. For Christmas, we had the grandkids come over for their presents. Before or after Christmas, we all went to Tim and Anna’s. TB’s family is warm and loving and I felt like “home”, back when I was little and at Grandma’s house.

It’s a wonderful way to feel and I cherish that.