I wrote earlier that when I was 10, my family moved away from Long Island to Baltimore -- a six hour drive away. I was used to seeing my grandma every weekend and now I couldn't even call her on the phone for much longer than 5 or 10 minutes. It was purely awful. I missed her terribly and looked forward to the one or two time a year trips back home ... see, I never thought of Baltimore as "home".
Anyway, one way my grandma and I managed to stay close was through letter writing. We wrote back and forth for almost 10 years very regularly. After that, her health had begun to fail and we didn't write as much. Those letters helped me get through some very tough times! They brought her closer to me and I would re-read them whenever I felt sad.
Michele and David came to visit us with the kids in June and we've been missing them since they went back home. I want for us to stay in touch with the kids the way my grandma stayed in touch with me. I think Brandon would write back to us and maybe Ryan would too. But what about Taylor and Nik? Well, I thought, there's always pictures we could draw back and forth. Heidi's been drawing some princess pictures (like Snow White, etc) for Taylor.
Then I came across Grandconnect.
There is a kit that looks pretty cool. This is the description:
Our goal is to assist grandparents in establishing and maintaining personal relationships with their long-distance grandchildren, and to create a "tool" that will encourage consistent and creative communication between grandparent(s) and grandchild(ren).
Each kit includes two notebooks. The purchaser retains one book and mails off the second book to the other family member. Each notebook contains an introduction to Grandconnect, a Pledge (or Promise), two sheets of stationery per month with topic suggestions, twelve envelopes, one mailing envelope and a keepsake folder to store the letters received.
Grandconnect provides suggestions for letter writing topics each month, creating letters that can be windows into your grandparents/grandchild's daily activities, memories and emotions. Grandconnect can be started at any time throughout the year. It can be an especially meaningful gift for Grandparent's Day (September), Mother's Day (May), Father's Day (June), Birthdays, Christmas, or Hanukkah.
Long-distance grandparents want to have a significant relationship with their grandchild(ren), but don't have a creative, affordable and consistent method of doing so. Grandconnect will provide the "tools" to establish a unique and meaningful "connection" between grandparent and grandchild.
Communication and getting connected have become the buzzwords of the day in regards to high-tech possibilities, relationships, however, still require a touch and feel product with a high level of personal involvement.
It costs $29.95.
I thought to myself: well, wait a minute. Why can't we just do some of this stuff ourselves? I think it would be less expensive for us to get some stationery for the grandkids and some pre-stamped envelopes for them. It certainly would be less expensive for us to get our own writing paper. As for stickers and other fun things...well, we can buy those too.
I like the idea.
So yesterday I filed a petition for TB and me to get visitation with our grandson. I still have an email from Linda in which she said she would not try to keep him from us and that we didn't need to do this -- that was way back in April. According to the DYFS caseworker, she's still not willing to talk to us.
I was looking for articles about the benefits of the grandparent-grandchild relationship and while I was researching, I came across Grandparent Visitation Rights. It looks like the laws section was updated last summer and I wondered what was happening this year.
One thing I did find very relevant:
Tips For Parents and Grandparents From Dr. KornhaberFollowing are some findings from our own research that may help alienated families to reconcile:
Never completely banish a parent or grandparent from the life of a child (of course unless there is blatant pathology that would endanger the child).
When conflicts occur, concentrate on getting rid of the problems -- not the people. And use every option to do so, including professional help.
Many of the attitudes and situations leading to parent-grandparent problems are temporary. People grow and change. Forgiveness is important. Our experience and research shows that many parents eventually regret having separated their children from their grandparents. Parent-grandparent alienation is painful for all and rips apart the fabric of the family. Find another way.
It is a terrible example for children when parents do not let them see their grandparents. Indeed, it hurts the parent-child relationship too. Children become insecure and afraid of their parents. Many wonder if their own parents will get rid of them too if they are not "good." Additionally, children have to lead a double life when they love their grandparents. They are afraid to tell their own parents they love and miss their grandparents for fear their parents will be angry with them.
Many children reconcile with their grandparents as soon as they come of age.
Children need both their parents and grandparents. We tell feuding parents and grandparents that they have to love the child more than they "love" the anger they may feel toward one another. Rarely should the grandparent-grandchild bond ever be permanently ruptured. Parents should know that research shows grandparents rarely inflict the conflicts and problems on grandchildren that they may have inflicted on their children. Growing up is a good teacher.
Rarely should litigation take place -- and only as a last resort. It ups the ante of misery and can create a permanent solution for what might be a temporary problem. However, when people do go to court the Judge should sentence the family to healing. And follow-up to make sure this process is happening. At no time should grandparent-grandchild contact be stopped. In extreme cases it can be controlled or supervised, but rarely should it be terminated altogether.
I am hoping and praying that we can come to an understanding through mediation and not have to go to court. TB and I really want to love our grandson way more than any anger we may have at Linda. Actually there is no anger anymore -- except for the fact that she's keeping us from the baby. What she chooses to do with her life is her own business and we wish her well.
On Friday, I called an attorney to ask questions about grandparent visitation. As always, he started out sounding very discouraging until I began asking about N.J.S.A. 9:2-7.1, New Jersey's grandparent visitation statute. Well, all of a sudden his whole demeanor changed. I think you have to know a little bit about what you're asking for to get any real help. As soon as he realized that I'd read the law through, he encouraged me to go down to the family court and file a petition for visitation.
Geesh! This is what DYFS and everyone else (except 2 lawyers) said all along. First there will be mediation to see if we can work things out for visitation. I think that's a good idea because this way we'll have an impartial party there to hear all sides and help us get to a good conclusion without a whole lot of negative emotions getting in the way.
Our feelings are basically this: the parents are grown ups and can live however they please. We just want to be able to see our grandchild and interact with him in a loving, positive manner. We want to read to him and play pat-a-cake and build with blocks -- and it would be nice to take him on walks or to the park, as before all this ugly stuff went down.
It's my understanding through the grapevine that Linda is "not ready" to try and work anything out for us to see our grandson. I don't understand why we're not able to see him through another party if she doesn't want to see us. We would be willing to drive up there just to spend some time with the baby. She doesn't have to talk to us or even be in the room.
Here is some information I found online about grandparent visitation rights in New Jersey:
New Jersey Family Law: Grandparent Visitation Rights
By Dinegar Milks, A Law PracticeIntroduction
All fifty states have enacted what is often called a "grandparents' visitation statute", which allows grandparents - and sometimes siblings or other people - to petition the court for the right to spend time with a child, over the objections of the child's parent. In enacting these laws, the states have tried to strike a balance between the right of families to choose their associations and raise their children as they see fit, and the widely held belief that a child should have the benefit of a grandparent's love and care, even if the court has to enforce it. It is a difficult balance to strike, and many states have found it impossible to uphold grandparents' visitation statutes, in light of the extraordinarily strong constitutional protection of the family's fundamental rights.
The issue was recently addressed by the United States Supreme Court on January 12, 2000 in the case of Troxel v. Granville. In this case, the Court heard arguments on the rights of grandparents and other third parties, to visit children over the objection of the children's parents. It is one of the rare times the Court has considered family law. Unfortunately, the Court's ruling was limited to the nonparental visitation statute of Washington. It held that the grandparental visitation statute of that state was unconstitutional because it permitted the state courts to impose visitation without sufficiently considering the fit parents' objections.
Grandparent Visitation Rights Generally
Historically, grandparents had no special right to visit or communicate with a grandchild if a parent had forbidden such contact. In the 1970s and 1980s, however, all states enacted legislation that granted grandparents and/or third parties visitation rights. The states justified these statutes under a state's authority as parens patriae, that is, its authority to act in the best interests of its children citizens. The proliferation of these statutes reflects two factors. One is simply the increase in the number of grandparents who are healthy and active in social causes. The other is the increase in the number of children who are being raised in non-intact families.
The statutes granting grandparents the right to petition for visitation fall into two general categories. Under the first, most typical kind, grandparents may petition for visitation of their grandchildren only where there has been some kind of disruption of the "intact family," i.e., divorce, death of a parent, adoption, or termination of parental rights. This type of statute has been enacted in Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Texas, Virginia, West Virginia, and Wyoming. Under the second kind of statute, there does not need to be any kind of disruption of the intact family. Rather, a grandparent can petition for visitation so long as such visitation would be in the best interests of the child. This type of statute was enacted in Connecticut, Delaware, Idaho, Kentucky, Montana, New Jersey, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Oregon, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Vermont, Washington, and Wisconsin.
In recent years, the second type of statute has come under attack as being an unconstitutional infringement upon the right of the parents to decide with whom their children may associate. The Wisconsin Court of Appeals was the first state to agree with this argument, and it decided that the grandparent visitation statute was unconstitutional. Soon thereafter, the courts in Connecticut, Kentucky, North Dakota, Tennessee and Washington held their statutes unconstitutional as applied.
Given the trend of courts finding greater parental authority and autonomy, the first type of statute also came under attack. The courts in Florida, Georgia, and Nevada also held their grandparent visitation statutes unconstitutional, and the court in Virginia restricted the rights of grandparents under the Virginia statute by holding that the grandparents must prove not just that visitation would be in the best interests of the children but that the children would suffer harm if visitation were not granted.
Following the United States Supreme Court's decision in Troxel v. Granville, the state legislatures will have to revisit their own grandparent visitation statutes to make sure that the circumstances under which third parties may petition for visitation do not violate the fundamental rights of the parents.
After the decision, as before, visitation of a grandchild, visitation must always be in the best interests of the child. The starting point for determining whether grandparent visitation will serve the best interests of the child is to analyze the grandparent-grandchild relationship. Courts consider the length of the relationship and the frequency of actual contact as primary evidence that the relationship should be preserved. A grandparent's mere desire for a relationship, when none exists, is generally not sufficient to impose visitation over the objections of the parents. The hostility of the parents to the grandparents is also an extremely important factor, although it is not an overriding factor. Obviously, if the grandparents were driven to bring a lawsuit against the parents for visitation, there is hostility. It is up to the court to determine whether the hostility is deep-seated or just the inevitable result of friction over the lawsuit at issue. Finally, the court will look at the totality of the circumstances, considering tangential relationships and the family unit as a whole.
Many lawyers and psychologists agree that grandparent visitation cases are often just vicious family disputes that replay old hurts, force neutral parties to pick sides, and, worst of all, place children in the heart of adult conflicts. For these reasons, most legal scholars and psychologists agree that grandparent visitation cases should be limited to those cases where the grandparents and grandchildren know each other well and have a deep existing bond.
Grandparent Visitation Rights in New Jersey
New Jersey's Grandparents' Visitation Statute, N.J.S.A. 9:2-7.1 allows a grandparent or sibling of a child residing in this State to make an application for visitation. The applicant must prove that the visitation is in the best interest of the child. In making this determination, the court must consider eight factors, including:
The relationship between the child and the applicant;
The relationship between each of the child's parents or the person with whom the child is residing and the applicant;
The time which has elapsed since the child last had contact with the applicant;
The effect that such visitation will have on the relationship between the child and the child's parents or the person with whom the child is residing;
If the parents are divorced or separated, the time sharing arrangement which exists between the parents with regard to the child;
The good faith of the applicant in filing the application
Any history of physical, emotional or sexual abuse or neglect by the applicant; and
Any other factor relevant to the best interests of the child.
By its terms, this statute applies to intact families as well as those where separation, death, or divorce have split the family. It has been upheld as constitutional by a lower court, although its constitutionality was challenged before the New Jersey Supreme Court in 1999. In a case called In the Matter of the Adoption of a child by W.P. and M.P, Harriet Dinegar Milks argued before the Court that the statute should not be applied to intact families unless it is first shown that the child will suffer harm without the visitation. The high court refused to address the constitutional issue but decided the case in our client's favor, ruling that the visitation statute does not operate to permit court-ordered visitation by biological grandparents, after a child has been placed in an adoptive home. The case is thus an important one in defining the rights of adoptive families in this State. By holding that the child's adoptive grandparents were her family and that the biological grandparents had no rights under the visitation statute following the termination of their child's parental rights, the Supreme Court sent a message loud and clear, that adoptive families are not second class citizens, but have the same rights to grow and develop autonomously as any family does.New Jersey's grandparents' visitation statute is not affected by the U.S. Supreme Court's ruling in Troxel v Granville, which is limited to the visitation statute of Washington.
Our firm monitors developments in the law of grandparental visitation rights closely. Should you have any questions about the status of the law in this State, we invite you to contact us.
Conclusion
By the time a grandparent feels it is necessary to go to court to force visitation with a grandchild over the objections of a parent, the rancor and hostility between the parents and grandparents are likely to be high. Mediation is often helpful in these situations, to help both sides see the positive aspects of continuing the grandparent-grandchild bond and the need to respect parental authority. Overriding both these considerations, however, must be the best interests of the child.
Yes, I guess I would say the "rancor and hostility" between Linda and us is high--but it's on her part. Ah...so I am going to contact this law firm and find out what the status of the law is since Linda is "not ready" to let us maintain our bond with Tomas.
Today I've been surfing the web a little, trying to find information on grandparent visitation rights. I am going to have to buckle down and read about the New Jersey law and try to get a handle on it. I saw this article at AARP online:
Grandparent Visitation Rights Most grandparents visit with their grandchildren whenever they want to. They plan fun activities for the children. They send cards and emails. They take the kids on trips. They may even spoil the grandchildren a little bit. Many provide day care. Others help raise their grandchildren. All this helps keep families strong.Sadly, some grandparents don't ever see their grandchildren because the children's parents or legal guardians won't let them. This happens for many reasons. There might be bad feelings between the grandchildren's parents and grandparents. The children's parents could be divorced. Or maybe one parent has died. The parent who has custody may want to break ties with the grandparents.
State Laws
Are you having problems seeing your grandchild? The first thing you need to do is learn about the visitation law in the state where your grandchild lives. No state law is going to automatically give you the right to visit your grandchild, but in some states you can hire a family law attorney and go to court to ask for visitation. In those states, a judge will make the final decision after looking at your family situation.
All 50 states once had laws that gave grandparents the right to ask the court to consider their request to visit their grandchildren. This is not true anymore. In many states, courts have made grandparent visitation laws invalid, deciding that they go against the rights of the parents. In those states grandparents can't ask the court to consider their request to visit with their grandchildren.
In some states, the visitation laws have been upheld by the courts. In those states the grandparents have to prove in court that they should be able to visit their grandchildren. This is hard to do. In some of these states the laws say the court should decide based on what is in the best interest of the child. In other states the grandparents have to prove that the grandchild will be harmed if he or she does not visit with the grandparents.
A family law attorney can tell you whether the grandparent visitation law in the state where your grandchild lives has been upheld or made invalid by the courts.
Resolving Visitation Issues
Going to court costs money. It can also be very upsetting. Before you decide to go to court, try some other ways to resolve the problem. Here are some tips:
Are the grandchild's parents getting a divorce? Ask them to set up a visiting schedule for you as part of their divorce agreement. This could help you avoid problems in the future.
Try mending your relationship with your grandchild's parents. You may be able to work out a solution that fits both your needs.
Think about using a trained mediator. Mediators help people come to an agreement. Each side gives a little. And each side wins something. This option doesn't cost much. It could help you see your grandchild. It could also help keep you out of court. To find a trained mediator you can call the court house, look in the yellow pages, or search on the internet.
Keep in touch with your grandchild. Send cards and gifts. Call on the telephone. Keep a record of all the times you try to contact the child. This will help you show a mediator or judge that you have a strong interest in your grandchild.
While your grandchildren will in some ways automatically be in the middle of the visitation problem, never put them on the spot or talk badly about their parents to them. That will only hurt your grandchild (and your chances of getting visitation ) in the long run.
Do you have to go to court? Use an attorney who has experience with family law issues in the state where the grandchild lives.
Here is the thing ... I have already had a lawyer tell me that we could file for visitation with the court but even though Tomas lived with us for a year, the judge might not grant visitation.
The judge allowed the baby's mother to terminate child support from the baby's father. The attorney was appalled. He said if the judge would do that, it's likely he/she would also rule against grandparent visitation.
I still have more to learn.
As for advocacy...I would like to learn to be an advocate for grandparents' rights. I have one contact number and I think I will also contact the AARP and see if this is something I can do.
I love all my grandkids. Four of them know it, I am sure they do. I don't know what Little T thinks.
We love you, Little T...Pop-pop, Uncle Billy, Aunt Heidi, Aunt Kristin & I. We will always love you and we will always miss you. Maybe this is the only way you will know it.
Someone once said that there is no greater joy than having children. I disagree. I love my
kids, all of them; my natural children and my step children. Even when they rebel and get in Trouble, I love them all. The greater joy is in grand-parenting. For the most part all you have to do is love the dickens out of the children and reinforce the parents teaching with more love. When it comes to discipline Nana and Pop-pop’s paddle comes with a thick cushion and rarely stings and always encourages and exhorts.
It is our job as parents, to make sure our children are ready to enter the adult world. This is a difficult job. We have to train our children to obey the law; we have to teach them to stay clear of danger, to think before they act or speak. It is our responsibility to teach them how to live. It is an awesome responsibility and in order to do it right you have to use discipline. I remember the old saying (and as a kid I heard it often) “Teddy, This is going to hurt me more that it hurts you!” Yeah right! I would say. Today I have to admit my parents were right. It does! A good parent only wants the best for their child and in order to teach the child right from wrong there has to be discipline. It is a fact that we learn our life lessons better and faster through pain than with pleasure. You only have to touch the burner of the stove once to know, hot! Don’t touch! Unfortunately there are many parents that fail miserably in the discipline department and the bad behavior and the safety of the child is the result. Thank God for grandparents.
As a child I hated being told what to do and how to do things. I hated getting spanked or grounded; I especially hated being told that something I loved to do was too dangerous even though I was confident I could do it safely. (I loved to play in the woods and sail on the lake in our town without supervision). I was a rebel (Very much like Calvin, from the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon written by Bill Watterson) and didn’t have much use for my parents or any authority then. Now as a father I have learned that my parents knew what they were talking about. They did what they needed to do for my safety, education and to promote my maturity. (I’m not sure the last one took though)
At the time I thought they hated me. Why else would someone spank me or ground me just because I sailed on the lake on an oil tank at ten years old? I mean, Tom Sawyer sailed the mighty Mississippi on a measly old raft. My boat was good ole American steel! Why should I get punished for putting snapping turtles in the neighbor’s pool? Don’t those people have a sense of humor? I can’t believe I couldn’t keep my younger brothers in line by beating the snot out of them. Wasn’t I the oldest? Wasn’t I now the man of the house? (The worst thing an adult can do is tell a child he is the man of the house. Children aren’t meant to bear that burden and it can crush them. I know!)
I don’t remember my maternal grandfather, but I can remember my maternal grandmother and great-grandmother very clearly.
My great-grandmother (We called her Nonny) never had a harsh word to say in front of us. I never heard her yell or swear or say anything derogatory to anyone. She was always giving us candy or pennies she won at bingo. Nonny made the best apple pies in the universe. I have never in my fifty-one years tasted a pie that came close to hers. Nonny would use lots of real butter, the freshest apples, and lots of good old Crisco shortening to make her pies. When you walked in her house you could taste the pies baking as the aroma wafted through the kitchen. Her home was always warm and inviting. She never failed to hug us or tell us how much she loved us.
My grandmother was always taking me on her trips (I was the oldest grandson and her favorite, I think) She took me to New York City every year for Christmas shopping. We would always go to Rockefeller Center to skate at the rink. She would take me to Radio City Music Hall to see the shows (I was only interested in the Rockettes though, go figure). She also took me with her to see Off-Broadway plays and I remember going to see the Nutcracker Suite ballet.
My paternal grandparents on the other hand were very strict and I didn’t like them very much. My parents got divorced when I was about 10 or 11 years old. My mom had to work 3 jobs to support us, because my father wouldn’t pay child support. I remember that my mom had to fight them to keep my brothers and me. They wanted my father to have us and he didn’t even want us. When we went to visit them my brothers and I were sent to the basement to play, we weren’t allowed to play upstairs. All the furniture was covered in plastic and the rugs had plastic runners everywhere. It was a cold and heartless house.
When my grand-kiddies visit I try to show them as much love as possible. I want them to remember me when I’m gone, with fond memories of love and happiness. When they leave my house, they will know that Nana and Pop-pop love them.
I got this in my email today and wanted to share it. I think I will see if I can subscribe to the column. This is one of the joys of being with our grandchildren, getting a new appreciation on stuff we normally take for granted!
The Grandfather Clause : Let grandkids shop till you drop By Mike Tighe Source: The Palm Beach PostShopping with small grandchildren might seem like inviting disaster, considering tantrums you might have seen or heard from Aisle 9 or in the checkout line.
But it can have its moments. For one thing, it slows the process. I'm list-oriented, so I jot down what I intend to buy. Then, my male instincts kick in as I determine the shortest route to what I want, map which store or mall entrance to go in, then psyche myself up for the hunt.
I don't dawdle at each rack, playing tag with the clothes, like many wimmin shoppers do. I follow my mapped route without veering (except to go to the bathroom), make the kill, mount it on the car fender and head home.
I'm in and out while the car is still warm, even when I'm up North in the middle of winter.
However, I have learned to slow down when I take grandsons Vincent or Jack along. Everything except me is new to them, and they like to dillydally. So I make sure I don't have anything urgent to do, so I can be patient and let them roam the store at will.
For example, 3-year-old Vincent always has insisted on sitting in the go-cart and playing with the balls of all sorts at the sports store, and Jack, at 1 1/2 years, is following the same pattern. It's easier to go with the flow and watch the show than try to hurry them along.
I hate to admit that within earshot of my wife, Jeanne (GiGi to Vincent and Jack). I usually avoid going shopping with her because she, well, she dawdles. Sometimes it hurts her feelings when she mentions shopping and my face morphs into a prune expression. Imagine how she'd feel if I let her know how patiently I shop with Vincent or Jack.
I don't know why Vincent likes to disappear into a rack of clothes, but I sure was happy to see him emerge from one the first time I lost him in a store. It's not that I'm afraid of the cops charging me with neglect; that would be nothing compared with the wrath of his mom if I lost him.
Once in awhile, I run across a toy I'd like for myself and alibi to Jeanne when I get home that I bought it for the boys.
The first time I did that, she read the label and said, "This toy is for 8 and up, and Vincent's only 2."
"Well, he'll be 8 someday," I replied, as I took the remote- controlled boat and went to a lake.
While I learn to be patient with the boys, they learn one thing from me, too: where all the public restrooms are. The first thing I check whenever I go into a mall, or a store, or a park is where the can is.
Never know when I might have to make a mad dash. For the boys, of course (wink).
Grandkids' lessons . . .
Debbie Wotton of suburban Delray Beach, responding to the June 22 Grandfather Clause about lessons grandchildren teach us, sends in this from Agriculture 101: "My father 'Grandpa Louie' recently was schooled by my son, 3-year-old Robert Louis 'Bobby' on our trip to visit Grandpa's home in Tennessee. As we visited his farm out in the country, Grandpa asked Bobby if he knew that we got milk from cows, and Bobby responded (knowingly of course), 'Sure, we get milk by squeezing their privates!'
"If this knowledge had not been passed on, I can guarantee a lot less milk would be produced by our nation's farmers."
And Sheila Brodbeck of Wellington passes on her comeuppance, also from the Ag 101 realm: "Last year my grandson, Sean, was 3 years old and we were playing 'Going to Grandma's House.' During the game you draw cards such as a Pink Diamond and then you move to the Pink Diamond spot on the path. Well, there are cards that ask questions, too.
"One of the cards asks, 'What is your favorite vegetable?'
"Sean drew this card, I read him the question and he answered 'corn.'
"I said, 'Sean, I am surprised you didn't say tomato. I thought that was your favorite vegetable."
"And Sean, being much smarter than his grandmother, answered, 'Oh Grandma, you know tomatoes are a fruit!'
"I stood corrected by a 3-year-old (the dictionary and the encyclopedia say he's right)."
----
Mike Tighe is a copy editor at The Palm Beach Post. Mail items to him at The Grandfather Clause, The Palm Beach Post, P.O. Box 24700, West Palm Beach, Fla. 33416-4700, or e-mail.
I loved going over to my grandmother's house. I always felt safe with her and loved unconditionally. I loved sitting in her kitchen, always sunny and warm. We'd look out the picture window and watch the squirrels chase each other or the birds hopping in and out of the feeder. We'd eat lunch together and she'd always set a formal place setting for us. It made me feel special, even though lunch was just Campbell's chicken noodle soup and a PBJ. I learned so much from her.
I never thought much about being a grandparent myself. I couldn't picture myself even as a mother first of all, not until after my kids were born. Moms can have lots of fun with their kids and I did but there was always a boundary there that doesn't exist between grandparents and grandchildren. I discovered it when I interacted with my grandkids, Michele & Linda's children.
Grandparents and grandchildren can have a special bond unlike no other. It's something to be cherished and protected and it's totally tragic when they are deprived of each other...as has happened with my husband, me and our little grandson Tomas.
I need a positive channel for my feelings and so I decided to start this blog. TB and I can post about our joys and special feelings about grandparenting but it can also be a place of advocacy. I'm planning on researching more into the appalling lack of grandparent visitation rights and have been in touch with my US senators and representative...and I've been in touch at the state level too.
In some cases, a grandparent is the only stabilizing influence a child has.
During the months we've been separated from our grandson, we've grieved the loss -- and continue to. TB has said, "I wonder what the baby thinks? Does he think we don't love him anymore? Does he think we've abandoned him?"
We haven't.
In NJ, there used to be good laws for grandparents. They had more rights in terms of being able to see their grandchildren. The Supreme Court, however, upheld a state court's decision (in Washington) to strike down a permissive visitation law for grandparents. Now, the mother in Troxel vs. Granville wasn't trying to cut the grandparents off entirely. She just wanted to limit their visitation. If she'd been trying to cut them off entirely, the Supreme Court probably would not have decided to uphold the state court's decision.
Yet...it's had a bad ripple effect. Linda refuses to talk to us and won't let us see Tomas. Even though the baby lived with us for over a year and we saw him every single day, played with him, fed him, cared for him, read to him ... even though he developed a loving bond with us, we don't have a legal right to see him. We would be happy to go into counseling with her but we have heard nothing along those lines.
So ... we continue to hurt and feel helpless. I can't help but feel deep anger and resentment against Linda for doing this to us. Sometimes I can set those feelings aside and sometimes I can deal with them and rationalize them. Sometimes it just eats me up ... and the same thing happens to TB.
I know this is the way other deprived grandparents (and grandchildren) feel too.
We are cut off from grandchildren for all sorts of terrible reasons including a fued, a divorce in the family and -- very tragic -- because of a death in the family. Grandparents not only lose their adult son or daughter, they also find themselves cut off from their grandchildren. I know of one grandparent whose been cut off from the grandchild who lived with her because her son was sent to Iraq. The mother took the child and disappeared.
It's not right.
Something needs to be done and we're going to keep at it until the law changes...no matter how long it takes.