Circle of Friends

And now for something completely different ...

Wasn't there a law passed so that we wouldn't have to deal with telemarketers? I seem to remember something about going on a list. So why are we still getting calls? Darn, wouldn't you know, some businesses are exempt from the ban! Well, here is an oldie but a goodie that suggests ...

Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers

Pretend you don't speak English.

Say "Hold on," then scream to a nonexistent person: "If you try to take the knife out, it'll just hurt worse!"

Burst into tears when money is mentioned.

Ask if the deal is good for all your personalities.

Tell them you'll accept their offer if they can guess your color of underwear.

Repeat everything they say in the form of a question.

As soon as they identify themselves, say, "You guys are still in business? Well, I guess the bomb has another 30 seconds."

Tell them the restraining order applies to phone calls as well as physical distance.

Mutter: "Aww, damn. Not another one. The last Jehovah's Witness almost got me the death penalty."

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

If they say they're Joe Doe fro the XYZ Company, Ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

This one works better if you are male:

Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services....

You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.

Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or "That?s fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone that?s a complete stranger.

Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:

Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.

My personal favorite: put the phone done and go about your business, vacuuming, washing the dishes, etc. Come back in 10 minutes to hang up the phone.

Posted by Cassie at August 21, 2004 10:02 PM