The man's side of it!

Six years ago when Cassie and I met and decided to get married I went to my pastor friend, Paul and asked him to perform the ceremony. He agreed, but asked to have a talk with the two of us before hand. He also wanted to meet with the three kids. We got together at his house and Cassie and I gave our salvation testimonies, our plans and our vision of our future together. Paul, his wife , Cassie and I had a wonderful time together that day, until we were getting the family together to leave, Paul took me aside and asked me once again was I sure I wanted to do this. He wanted to make sure of my commitment not only to Cassie but also to Cassie's children. I told Paul that yes I was very sure. He then went on to say that he had a very bad feeling that I was going to have a tremendous amount of trouble with the middle child, Heidi. He wouldn't say just what that was and I assured him that I was able to make my marriage to Cassie and my parenting of her children work to our mutual benefit no matter what trials may come upon us.

Over the last six years we have run into many trials and tribulations and Cassie and I came through them all with the grace of God. Though it wasn't unscathed we made it through. Now we are in the fight of our lives! Neither Cassie nor I have ever encountered stress like we re going through now. This isn't just the stress of my disability, or of our possibly losing our home, car, and all we've worked so hard for all our lives, we are in serious danger of losing our sanity.

For the last few weeks we have been after the kids to clean up the house. They were told that we would be having Michele, David and the four grandkids come up from Tennessee  to visit. My plan was that we would put them up in the bedrooms upstairs so that the downstairs would still look nice when the people came to appraise our home and help us with some possible options yesterday. They were told when these people would be here and even reminded the very same day to make sure their rooms and the upstairs bathroom were presentable for our guests and our family from Tennessee. We were surprised when Michele and the family camped out in the family room and in the living room, with no explanation other than they were more comfortable down here. I explained to Michele that we were going to have realtor's here on Sunday and she said they would clean up and be on their way home waaay before the people were due to arrive. I didn't understand then but agreed.

We said very sad and tearful goodbyes to David, Michele, Brandon, Ryan, Taylor and little Niki Sunday morning, we had such a great reunion it hurt so much to see them go. Cassie and I finished straightening up our bedroom, the rest of the downstairs and asked Heidi to change the kitty liter upstairs and Kristin to do the same downstairs. I was actually surprised we didn't get an argument from anyone about cleaning up. The Realtors showed up a half hour late and we led them around the house so that they could give us a quick appraisal (We needed this for our lawyer who is trying to help us declare bankruptcy) We showed them the downstairs and them the outside explaining about all the improvements we made over the last six years. Then we took the on a tour of the upstairs...

I had asked the kids to make sure that all the vacuuming was done prior to Sunday so was very disappointed to see as we climbed the stairs that the kids ignored the stairs, I reached the top and the hallway was just as bad! I looked in to Bill's room and his was neat. The spare room just to the left was neat also. We had to explain about the huge hole in the wall Heidi made when she tripped over all the stuff they usually leave in the hall a few months ago. They then looked into Heidi's room and although Cassie and I had asked her to clean and put away her clothes it was still a mess. The next stop was Kristin's room. I was shocked! I checked her room just a few days ago after she had cleaned it. You could hardly see what color the carpet was with all the crap on the floor. It was as if she had filled a huge box with all her belongings and the just before we got there she dumped it all back out again!

I didn't think I could be anymore embarrassed than that, but I was wrong! Very wrong! I opened the bathroom door at the end of the hall and physically recoiled at the smell and disgusting dirt of this bathroom. It smelled as if the cats had just shit and peed on the floor, walls an ceiling of this room. Heidi had assured me that she had cleaned the room prior to here leaving for work. I was so embarrassed. There was noway anyone was going to convince me that the girls didn't leave these rooms this way on purpose. Talk about sabotage, I was and am so ashamed I could just die.

So for six years I have tried to be the best Step father I could be, My step dad was a tremendous example to me of how and what a dad should be. I tried, now I feel like such a failure. I tried to be fair and patient in the discipline and love I showed them. I withheld nothing, I gave them everything they needed. I wanted to be to them what my step dad was to me. My stepfather was to me better than my real father, he was my dad. I expected there to be some disrespect, and disobedience and words, there were between my dad and me. That's part of growing up. The kid's lost their dad and here I was stepping in his shoes. I knew it was going to be tough at first, but I thought it would get easier with time. As we grew and blended together, shared respect and love for one another it should have been wonderful. There were some times it was what it should have been, but I guess I was just fooling myself. I guess sometimes no matter how hard you try, how hard you work, no matter how hard you love and pray you can't have what you so desperately desire. My heart's desire was that our two families would unite as one. I gave everything I had to be a father to Michele, Linda, Billy, Heidi and Kristin. Now I feel like an utter failure.

Tonight I had another emotional breakdown, It was after eight o'clock and the rule is dishes are to be done at seven thirty. I asked Heidi to please start the dishes and once again she started arguing with me again. I have been right on the edge of an emotional breakdown with everything that has been happening to me and Cassie. I am in pain all the time. Measured on a scale of one to ten it is rare if it goes below six, and that is with my taking morphine and vicoden sometimes together. The pain is just the icing on the cake, there is also the lack of a job or any help from the government.

Cassie and I have paid for the registration and insurance for Heidi's car we helped her with a thousand dollar gift to get it. We spent almost two thousand getting the car in good repair for her. Cassie and I spent over four thousand dollars getting Cassie's car fixed after Billy and Heidi had their accidents. We have asked them to pays us their share of the car insurance, pay back the money spent fixing the car so Billy could drive it safely. and so we wouldn't have to put it through our insurance. Cassie and I have spent a fortune helping send Billy to RPI in Troy, NY even though he had and all tuition paid if he went to a school in NJ. Then he flunks out because he forgot when the final exams where and was then too proud to admit it and ask for a chance to retake the test. Even now, Cassie and I are paying five hundred and thirty four dollars a month for car insurance. If we dropped the leased car and dropped Heidi and her  car and Billy from our insurance we would only have to pay forty one dollars a month for insurance. We ask them for only one hundred dollars a week to help us out, the only one who has been faithful in this is Heidi.

There is so much more I could write about this screwed up family, I don't think anyone would believe it. Of course blood is thicker than water and if I asked Billy and Heidi to move out it would probably mean that I would be the one heading down the highway not them. Those two will be here even if it kills me. So what does all this shit mean? I don't know, I just wanted to get it off my chest before it does kill me or then who would know? Not that there are more than a handful of people that would even care. This is not the way I should close this post because I have so much to write about. One good thing about spewing this crap all over my blog is it helped me get some of it out of my system. There was no one to tell me to shut up or that I was full of shit or that they hated me, or that I was being immature. I actually got it off my chest and I feel better. Screw anyone or everyone who doesn't like it! NUFF said!

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Ted, we are so sorry all this is coming down on you guys the way it is... and we want you to know that we do care, very much. Please check your email when you have a minute...

Thinking positively should be better.

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I have Bell's Palsy and enjoy your blog very much. First time I've commented, but have been reading here and there.
Great blog. I enjoy reading it every chance I get and value your opinions!